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[SPOILERS FOR ALL S01] In-depth breakdown and commentary - S01E07 "The Day That Was"

S01E01 - We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals breakdown
S01E02 - Run Boy Run breakdown
S01E03 - Extra Ordinary breakdown
S01E04 - Man on the Moon breakdown
S01E05 - Number Five breakdown
S01E06 - The Day That Wasn't breakdown
Hello, I'm back with another analysis! Unmarked spoilers for all of S01 follow, so last chance to back out. Please, no untagged spoilers for the comics if you have read them - I would like to read them after the show has run its course. Also, now that we're getting more S02 information, please spoiler tag this as well if you are posting about it below.
Once again, I'm posting this for discussion, so if you have any insights, corrections, comments, feedback, etc. please post it below! Breakdown for S01E08 will be up on the 15th July, around noon GMT.
Thanks for taking part!
  • Title meta: So this is the episode where we see how Five's return to 2019 affected the timeline; the events of "The Day That Wasn't" have ceased to exist. Some things remain the same, but many things have changed.
  • Pogo returns to voice over the sequence explaining Harold/Leonard's childhood, just like he narrated RH gathering his adopted children. However, although I can see Pogo knowing of the events of the children's birth and procurement, there's no real reason for Pogo to know about Harold Jenkins's past. Maybe he did some research of his own after Five brought back that Commission directive? Or maybe RH ordered Pogo to have a sticky beak in response to Harold speaking to RH outside the Academy? Or is this part of the weird, long-running implication that RH knows way more about the future and the events of the Apocalypse than anyone else?
  • Lol, all of that machine beeping when Harold's mum codes must have been added in post. The nurses and doctors should have reacted far quicker to the beeping.
  • The Jenkins family home is Leonard's house in the present. Explains why a dude with a woodworking shop that hardly seems open or particularly successful has a pretty big house not too far from the city. It's kinda horrific he can even bear to live here, with the abuse his father inflicted on him, and this being where his dad met his end. Anyway, this goes some way to explain why he's apparently comfortable with stashing Helen's body in his own attic (S01E05) - after all, he bumped dearest daddy off just downstairs!
  • I assume Dr. Terminal wasn't just a baddie from the comics little Harold was reading, but an actual nemesis for the Umbrella Academy gang in their heyday? Either way, in little Harold's fantasies, he's saving the Umbrella Academy kids from him, knocking them out (pretty violently, with "Bang!" vocal side-effects!) with the figure that represents himself. A microcosm of what he eventually does for Vanya.
  • Can I just say, the casting for the kid versions of the characters is fantastic? They totally look like they de-aged the adult actors to play them.
  • Aha, the Hargreeves figurine that he'd always wanted as a kid, advertised on the back of this comic. Look at the figurine bases in the picture - it's a white disc with an umbrella on it. When adult Harold/Leonard pinches RH's figurine from the Academy, it's got an umbrella base. But Harold's figures don't have this disc, as you can clearly see when they're piled on the kitchen table, and later on, when they're displayed on the little purple paper mat up in the attic. I think he might have made his own figurines like he made one of Vanya.
  • Harold's dad seemed loving and well-adjusted in his first scene - it seems that he crawled into a bottle to cope with the death of his wife and his son being a reminder of what he'd lost.
  • Little dude's cosplay is pretty amazing for his age and for accuracy. He's even taken a dark jumper and sewn coloured diamonds onto it to mimic the diamond pattern on the UA kids' woollen jumpers. And he wears the cardboard mask to cover his blackening eye where his dad backhanded him.
  • Hermes the Rolls-Royce makes another appearance.
  • Luther riding shotgun next to RH, as Number One. Didn't think RH drove himself anywhere; I always thought he'd have a chauffeur.
  • Can four kids buckle up in the back seat of a Rolls? (Five isn't in this scene, seems he's already gone at this point.) Sounds a bit implausible. We saw the Rolls before in S01E05, when Klaus flipped Hazel the bird from the back seat as they drove off; seemed like only three adults would fit in the back. Doubt RH cares if the kids buckle up anyway.
  • It seems Luther was very popular, with a lot of fans having crushes on him, judging by all the posters and the hearts on them. There's a magazine in S01E01 showing Luther with a space helmet, so I assume one of their earlier missions involved Luther going to space and that's why he's called Spaceboy. Also explains why RH sent him to the moon as an adult - he may have wanted to evoke the times when Luther was young and wildly successful. However, adult Luther's realisation that the four-year space mission was a bust in S01E06/7 probably undermined these earlier missions in Luther's perception as well.
  • Aww, little Harold has a suitcase! He thought RH would take him in. Too bad he didn't know RH is an unrelenting dickhead.
  • Of course the UA member of whom Harold is their "biggest fan" is Allison. I'm sure he's wished a billion times for the ability to rumour his dad into not drinking or abusing him. edit: must have taken him everything he had to act casual around Allison as an adult.
  • And of course Luther's the one who steps in when little Harold grabs Allison's wrist.
  • The actors for the UA kids look older and bigger than little Harold's actor, despite them all being the same age in-universe - possible that this is on purpose, to make Harold look smaller at the same age. (Possible implication that little Harold was not being fed as well as he should have been? On the other hand, adult Harold is kinda short himself, only a little taller than Vanya, whereas Luther and Allison are both taller as adults.)
  • "You have no power. You never will have power. Now, go home... A little word of advice, my boy. Not everyone in this world can have power. Chasing something unattainable is a recipe for a lifetime of disappointment and resentment." - RH's words to little Harold. Fuck, what terrible things to say to anyone, let alone a kid being horribly abused by the one person who should be his biggest support. And Harold/Leonard, as well as Vanya, do go on to experience a shit-ton of disappointment and resentment. Enough to kick-start the apocalypse. I also want to point out the difference in words between little Vanya and little Harold - in S01E01, he tells Vanya, "I'm afraid there's nothing special about you," when she asks why she can't play with the others, but doesn't outright say that she doesn't have any power, like he tells Harold. edit: The other thing is, Harold did end up having power, although he didn't go about it in a nice way at all. (Did he have a choice as a kid, though? As an adult, however, he is entirely responsible.) He never really grew up from that kid who managed to stop his own abuse by killing his dad. When all you have is a hammer, everything starts looking like a nail. Bang!
  • Ew, RH only puts his hand on Harold's shoulder to later grab him and bodily eject him from his property. Now there's at least two adults in this kid's life who were physically abusive.
  • Funny, the hammer's already on the kitchen table. Weird place for a hammer.
  • So as you hear the blows and Harold's dad's legs jerk, look behind the head of the chair he's lying in. There's noone behind it. Kinda darkly funny imagining the actor casually acting out some death throes on his own.
  • Harold's uniform with gore on it reminds me a little of Ben in the bank robbery mission (S01E01). The two kids have entirely opposite reactions to it though.
  • So Harold got twelve years. Assuming he's slightly older than Five at this point, maybe closer to 14? He'd get out of prison at about 25-26 years of age. Also, isn't twelve years a long sentence for a little kid who killed his abuser?
  • Harold's still obsessed with the Umbrella Academy - he still reads the comics and has his cardboard mask. (Surely not the same one he was wearing when he killed his dad.)
  • Despite the immediate cut to a copy of the March 24th newspaper, identical to the one Five looks at when he lands in 2019 (S01E01), three or four years have passed since he got out of prison. Harold seems to have also made the pilgrimage to the Academy block, like the siblings did, either in response to what he's read in the paper, or because he has a habit of lurking around near the Academy.
  • Let's read this new page from RH's book:
#00.04 Conjuring Incident 06/16/01 (note: Klaus would have been eleven years old.)
I found that number four was simply not progressing in his abilities to conjure the non-living. He seems to not want to embrace this power. I sped up that ability tonight by locking him in the mausoleum overnight. Hypothetically he is seeing gore and death, but to be effective he must become desensitised to this.
Notes from [unreadable]
  • Klaus resistant
  • More fearful than I've ever seen him
  • Trying to squeeze himself through gated bars. Appears to be seeing if he has another super power he doesn't know about. (note: a very dark lol)
  • 00:36 Appears to have made first contact with dead spirits
[unreadable] into exercise, #00.04 seems [unreadable] with dead spirits [unreadable]
  • This page seems to be describing Klaus' mausoleum flashback we saw in S01E04, but from RH's perspective. The adjacent page seems to be ranking Number Four's (I assume) tendencies and qualities.
  • And here's our title card, the inside cover page with an old-timey candle and an old-fashioned umbrella logo, with the words "Ex Libris Reginald Hargreeves" underneath. (Means "From the library of (or "property of") Reginald Hargreeves". Harold/Leonard must have felt like all his birthdays and Christmases had come at once.)
  • And back to the present day, Wednesday 29th March, just past 8:15am.
  • It's only because Five makes the meeting and they start gabbing about "Harold Jenkins" that Leonard gets spooked and whisks himself and Vanya far away to his granny's cabin. She never even gets the chance to change her clothes from the morning - she is wearing the same shirt, coat and scarf when Leonard's beating triggers her powers later this episode.
  • We see Vanya's little street-side temper tantrum again. Five landing doesn't change that because he doesn't arrive at the Academy until after she leaves.
  • I'm gonna assume Five caught the shrapnel wound from the grenade that blew up the suitcase storage room. He was behind a brick wall for the one that blew up the Handler in the pneumatic tube room.
  • How the shit does Five know Allison's kid's name? I wonder if he checked out some of those celebrity magazines sometime over the last few days. Either way, his little speech is the turning point for the new timeline. Instead of going their seperate ways, he gets Diego and Allison on board by giving each of them what they want. Luther was on board already, although he's focused on RH and the Moon mission, Diego wants to hunt down Hazel and Cha-Cha and Five's just explained that the Harold Jenkins directive was originally supposed to be sent to Hazel and Cha-Cha and that they're trying to maintain the apocalypse in the timeline - best way to find them then is to find Jenkins, and kick them in the teeth by stopping the apocalypse from happening. Five's also offered Allison the chance to save her daughter as well as billions of others from the apocalypse.
  • "Klaus, you're with me." Aww. Since Klaus saved his bacon in S01E05, Diego's surprisingly okay with Klaus being his point man. Start of the season, he was rolling his eyes and sighing when Klaus tags along.
  • Piano music from the cubby house flashback scene last episode comes back as Allison looks back at Luther.
  • I find it very annoying that the suitcase Five brings back with him is never seen or discussed again. He could have brought this with him to the final showdown in S01E10 and not have to risk de-aging his brothers and sisters during time-travel.
  • It kind of frustrates me that Hazel's and Cha-Cha's story is no different despite the time skip, unlike everyone else's story. And strange, because whereas the siblings' actions are changed by the events that Five went through, Hazel and Cha-Cha's timelines do not change significantly despite Five being the one to send them their contracts and meddle with their timeline. (Before you say that it's because he programmed the pneumatic system to send it forward in time to them, there's still a timeline, before they get those orders, where Hazel and Cha-Cha have not been ordered to take each other out yet and they're still working against Five.) To me it feels like there was a missed opportunity here, perhaps to explore in a bit more detail what exactly Cha-Cha's deal is re: Hazel (Was she holding a torch for him? If so, it comes a little out of nowhere to me...)
  • We know that Five has sent the messages back in time using the pneumatic system to Hazel and Cha-Cha respectively - we see Cha-Cha receive her orders in the motel room in S01E06 and Hazel gets his at the same time from the vending machine in S01E07. Cha-Cha thinks Hazel has no idea, and Hazel thinks Cha-Cha has no idea. Is this what Five was planning? Did he know they would receive it at the same time when the other was not in ear-shot? (Maybe the system recognises whose name you send it under, makes sure no-one else is around when you get the message?)
  • Check out Five wincing in the car. An extra reason to quickly blink in and out with Jenkins' file.
  • When he says he "literally just did this yesterday", I think he means the grenades from the Handler's office? Or has Five tried this day before, royally fucked up, and used the briefcase to try again? Perhaps he's literally been in the precinct before. Would explain how he knows Claire's name. Getting lots of Edge of Tomorrow vibes here. Fantastic movie by the way, highly recommend. Don't google it, you'll ruin it for yourself, just watch it and thank me later.
  • Just noticed Diego isn't in his vigilante get-up. That thing needs to be taken outside and burnt. It has clung to existence for far longer than any normal set of clothes should. End its suffering, I beg you.
  • Seriously, cool blue jacket, Diego. Matches your sling.
  • Here's Allison leaving the message Vanya will only hear in S01E09, another new thing that didn't happen in S01E06's timeline. Five leaning against the wall in the background, crossing his arms and surreptitiously supporting his gut wound.
  • Luther back at the Academy, finding out RH never looked at any of his moon reports. This scene is slightly different to that in S01E06, in that he pulls out a pack that says "Day 575 - Day 599". Pogo is still present but Allison is no longer there to pull him out of his funk, and he starts drinking instead.
  • edit: When Luther finds the Moon mission material, still sealed, it rocks his whole world. For so long, he's been hanging on to the idea that RH saved his life for a reason, that as deformed as he is, he has a future purpose. Finding those reports blows that out of the water. If RH didn't want to see him anymore, why didn't he just let Luther die instead of saving him so he could never look at him again? That's the conclusion Luther reaches in this timeline, without Allison to balance him out a bit and help him look forwards instead of backwards.
  • Klaus ends up asking Luther, the only other siblings in the house, to tie him up, since Diego is out.
  • Lol, Klaus talking of RH in the present tense, saying he'll be so pissed Luther's broken into his liquor cabinet. Death doesn't mean much to Klaus.
  • Klaus trying to motivate Luther, what a reversal. Bet Klaus has never seen Luther so fucked up.
  • Klaus has probably looked up to him his whole life, seen him as a leader, been bossed about by Luther countless times, wished he had Luther's powers instead of the terrifying ones he has. Klaus would choose to be Luther, massive ape body or not, any day of the week and twice on Sundays. And this dude is now crying like a little child on his shoulder.
  • Klaus is so fucking empathetic though. This dude has just tried to choke him. And as soon as Luther reveals how broken he is, how much he detests himself, how much he thinks his dad detests him - Klaus is suddenly angry on his behalf at RH.
  • Very much here for actively-withdrawing Klaus encouraging Luther to put away the drink, and refusing to procure drugs for him. Not that that stops Luther going out to try and get them anyway.
  • We return to Hazel and Cha-Cha's scene in the forest, but from Hazel's perspective. The earlier dialogue in the S01E06 scene is repeated as a voiceover. Turns out Hazel was not trying his shoe, but surreptitiously loading his gun. He was thinking about taking her out as well, doing what the Commission told him, but really, he doesn't want to be extracted, he wants to stay here in this time with Agnes. Cha-Cha thinks he's talking about running away with her, but he's actually talking himself out of killing Cha-Cha and running away from the Commission with Agnes.
  • Cha-Cha thinks his pileated woodpecker analogy "the male will bring his partner food to show he can provide" is about her, which is why she lets him go get dinner and probably why she goes to get something for him as well!
  • Diego, Allison and Five at Leonard's place. Fuck, he's still wearing his vigilante pants. Wear something else, buddy! Give those poor pants a chance in the washing machine with a whole lot of washing liquid and probably some antiseptic. And check out Five's right sided limp! Gallagher's such a good actor...
  • Five subtly pulls himself up the front stairs using the railing, not putting too much weight on that right side.
  • I can't believe Diego just busts in the front door like that. Vigilante brain fart. Allison did a better job in S01E04.
  • Vanya and Leonard have left for the cabin by now, they're not in the house.
  • Diego finds a flyer for Vanya's concert on the fridge.
The ICARUS THEATRE presents
ST. PLUVIUM CHAMBER ORCHESTRA
A wildly anticipated Chamber Music Performance featuring the City's most acclaimed musicians
Introducing Principal Violin
VANYA HARGREEVES
All concerts will be held at the Icarus Theatre, Borough 4
For more information, please call the Icarus Theatre Box Office on 555-0192, or visit us in person 10am to 4pm daily.
General Admission: $25 per Attendee
  • A picture of Vanya in her orchestra tails, holding her violin completes the flyer. She looks happier than the picture of her on the back of her memoir. And it's probably, what, the third picture of her possibly ever taken?
  • Looks like the concert on the 1st April was to be the first in a run of performances in the Icarus Theatre. Still, dumb that the flyer doesn't mention a range of dates.
  • St. Pluvium. Funny name, huh? Well, I had a theory about this that I posted to theumbrellaacademy. The motto for the Umbrella Academy is Ut Malum Pluvia (which is supposed to mean "When Evil Rains", the implication being that the Umbrella Academy have you covered). Pluvium and pluvia are just forms of the same Latin root for 'rain'. Wouldn't put it past filthy rich, dear old Papa to sponsor the local orchestra to take Vanya on, ensure she wouldn't move too far away and he could keep an eye on her, make sure she's filling those scripts... I also wonder if RH noticed that rain often accompanies Vanya's use of her powers? And possibly even more far-fetchedly, did RH consider her at least part of the 'evil' (malum) that the Academy motto refers to, that the Academy is supposed to protect others against?
  • Diego, Allison and Five conclude that Harold Jenkins is after the members of the Umbrella Academy, and that it was never about Vanya at all. Hoooo boy. You're right and you're bloody wrong in the same breath. Unfortunately, he took RH's book with him to the cabin, so they don't find it at his place.
  • Leonard and Vanya at the cabin. Looks like Harold's dad kept his abuse under wraps at Grammy's place. That is such an uncomfortable photo though.
  • "You spend your life trying to forget about the crap you went through as a kid, and then the second you step back in, you feel just as insignificant." This is Leonard playing Vanya like she plays her violin. Vanya relates entirely to this. Her family have just excluded her, again, just as she tries to include them in her life. She thinks Leonard is dredging up bad memories by walking back into this cabin. But Leonard, right now, he's aware, based on what the Umbrella Academy guys were saying while he swiped that RH figure, that Harold fucking Jenkins has something to do with the apocalypse, but they don't know who he is. They said his real name. Him. The Umbrella Academy are worried about him. He's feeling mighty important right now, and probably even more committed to turning Vanya into an unstable angry bomb that he can lob at the Umbrella Academy. If he can't be a hero with them, he'll become their nemesis and goddamn destroy them.
  • "I can't even say it. I can't even wrap my head around it. There's-" I wonder if Vanya's next words were "it's like there's a block in my head" or words to that effect. Wonder if that's Allison's rumour working away.
  • And the pan out reveal that they're in the middle of bloody nowhere, some kind of forest near a lake. Note the sounds as they zoom out, the trees, the birds, the windchimes. Is this Vanya's absurdly sharp hearing/sense of soundwaves manifesting? We see later in S01E08 that she can somehow hear the cabin's windchimes from deep in the forest.
  • Here's Hazel laying it all out for Agnes. And amazingly she takes him at face-value. What a wonderful person.
  • The thing that sent Hazel rogue was the Commission ordering him to kill his partner. Even if he may not like Cha-Cha the same way he does Agnes, he still cares for her.
  • Aww, Hazel and Agnes are so cute together! Unfortunately, Cha-Cha is watching from around the corner.
  • Klaus has ditched his coat because he's overheated and sweaty from the withdrawal. Note everyone else outside walking past being in coats and the like. It's not an obviously warm night. Klaus is also scratching at his arms.
  • Ben's appeared for some moral support!
  • So judging by Klaus' apologies immediately after he says it, apparently Ben's death was caused by not being prepared for "the real world". I dunno, maybe I'm taking it too literally, but we know basically jack shit about Ben's death... I'm taking this as a tiny clue, okay?
  • Allison and Diego hauling Five home between them. And Grace appears once more. I like the reversal of Grace now walking through the atrium and Diego seeing her in the living room, as opposed to how it was in S01E06.
  • There's a nice revolving shot around Klaus here as he enters the rave - Ben can't be seen from the back as he walks in, but as the camera rotates to Klaus' front, you see Ben next to him.
  • Man, after Vietnam, a rave with its thumping, reverberating beats and bright flashes of light must be the last place Klaus wants to be, and even more so because he's withdrawing hard.
  • Lol, the simultaneous 'holy shit' from Klaus and Ben on seeing shirtless Luther dancing his butt off. Remember Klaus (and Ben by extension) hasn't yet seen what he looks like under all the layers; he was high and then kidnapped away by Hazel in S01E03.
  • Wow, high Luther. He's a happy carefree guy. Also, "Brother!!" That's a meme, right?
  • Lo and behold, Klaus' battle PTSD kicks in. And he commando crawls after the E he just flung away (because he didn't want Luther to take it!) to try and get it to stop.
  • Can I just say, if they really truly want to recast Jack Sparrow, I think the only one who could maybe pull it off might be Robert Sheehan. I could probably come to terms with that at some point.
  • Perfect timing for Klaus' (and Dave's?) dog tags to fall out of his singlet. So sad that the only way Klaus sees Dave in this timeline is in a hallucination. I think he's got the E in his hand, but he thinks it's Dave. In a roundabout way, his desire to see Dave is stopping him from taking the pill.
  • Allison must have checked Vanya's apartment and got no response. Also, her music school says she bunked off her lessons today. I have no idea how Leonard convinced Vanya to do that, although she was very angry after seeing her siblings, maybe her redirected that into leaving everything behind for a few days and getting away from it all. Maybe offered his cabin as a practice area for the concert? Wish she brought it up later on, the fact that he made her miss her classes.
  • Lol, Diego and Luther both said the other was right about leaving/not leaving the Academy (their argument in Five's room, continued in the library in S01E04) in the space of a single episode.
  • "Vanya needs you." Wow. That's the first time Diego admits Vanya is in some serious fucking shit. Aaaaand it's the last time anyone other than Allison expresses concern about Vanya being with a murderer with a grudge against the Umbrella Academy, before she returns to the Academy in S01E09.
  • So Beeman's first name is Chuck, huh? Charles Beeman.
  • Some weird ass light blue cop cars there.
  • Vanya and Leonard at the lake. "Vanya, you've seen what people with power can do. They can stand up for those who can't defend themselves." Makes me think of RH's words to young Harold about power. It also reminds me that Leonard's planning for some guys to beat him up later on, setting up for Vanya to save him with her power.
  • "What am I supposed to do, like, stare really hard? Am I supposed to point my fingers-" Oh my god, she's taking the mickey, look at that fucking smirk. I swear Magurro nearly cracks a smile too, look at him purse his lips and look down.
  • I'm getting some "Luke at Dagobah trying to lift his x-wing" vibes from this scene - at least until Vanya starts fucking giggling. First time we actually see her laugh properly.
  • Leonard knows that the Umbrella Academy are looking for him and Vanya and that he doesn't have much time to enact his revenge. This explains why he's suddenly so frustrated by Vanya not being very motivated to find her power, and why he kicks the plan up a gear by organising for him to be bashed up.
  • Lol, Hazel's trying to write an explanatory letter to Cha-Cha as to why he's gonna run away that night. It might run something like "Dear Cha-Cha, I love Agnes. It's not you, it's me. I wish you all the best in life. Yours, Hazel."
  • Another nice revolving shot, with Hazel disappearing behind the motel window curtain as Cha-Cha strides in, silenced pistol in hand. And I like how the rave thumping restarts with Hazel knocking Cha-Cha out with the butt of his pistol.
  • Don't worry, Klaus only kissed the E tablet when he picked it up, he never ate it. He noticed that dude coming for Luther with a bat... is that his new tactical awareness coming to the fore? Old Klaus missed the Academy getting raided right in front of him in S01E03.
  • And Klaus hits the concrete head first. Apparently mediums don't become ghosts, they just go straight to meet god. Why is his shirt of all things the only thing that's not black and white here?
  • "I need you so I can pick and choose." What the fuck does this mean, god?? Either way, all the conversations in this afterlife sequence have a vague, dreamlike quality to them. It feels like an actual dream, where you only think about how ridiculous something is afterwards.
  • Lol, Klaus has some ideas for creation. God doesn't want to know.
  • "Nite Owl" is a weird name for a barbershop.
  • There are six pictures on the wall behind Klaus as he sits in the chair. At first, the assumption is that these are the six members of the Umbrella Academy. At first we get a closer look at the first three: and it's Luther, Diego and then RH. Okay, so it's the other five UA members and RH. Then you see the fourth picture - it's Dave. I can make out a tie on the fifth picture, I believe it's Five, and I'm going to guess that the sixth one is Ben. I think that since this is a barbershop, only the males' pictures are on the walls.
  • Klaus sitting in the chair reminds me of the umbrella gang getting their tattoos.
  • The whole barbershop thing seems to me like a reflection of how RH sees his role with the kids - he was grooming them, shaping them, polishing them. He sees this as caring for them. However, the kids slowly came to the realisation that he wasn't really a dad to them, more a clinical presence who moulded them as he saw fit. He had the straight razor, he could help you and hurt you in the same breath, and you were at his mercy. He roughly shoves Klaus around as he shaves him. RH is like a barber who makes you look good, but your relationship with him is only as deep as your hair, it's certainly not emotional. And you're a wreck underneath the superficial perfection he's forced on you.
  • RH's suggestion that there's more to his power gets to Klaus. From the page that we see when Leonard is holding RH's book in the dumpster, earlier this episode, we see that he has wished and apparently attempted to manifest other powers. And now RH tells him he's only scratched the surface?
  • Klaus says that RH locked him in the mausoleum at thirteen. But RH's book says that Klaus was eleven at the time of the exercise. Problem is, little Klaus in the mausoleum and Klaus in, say, the bank robbery in S01E01, are played by two different child actors, with mausoleum!Klaus looking younger than bank robbery!Klaus. My theory is that Klaus has had to suffer this multiple times at different ages, and the first instance of RH doing so may have been younger than even eleven. We know Klaus has been on drugs of one kind or another since he was at least thirteen (if not younger), it's possible Klaus' recall of events is a little hazy.
  • Klaus manages to castigate RH for his treatment of Luther. Fuck, I think Klaus would have punched him if he knew what RH had done to Vanya.
  • "Is he okay?" RH sounds genuinely vulnerable as he asks this. Fucking idiot. I hate these kinds of fuckers, well-intentioned extremists. Fuck RH.
  • RH subtly draws his razor across his neck as Klaus comes to the realisation that he killed himself to reunite the Umbrella Academy.
  • Finally, first-hand evidence that RH knew that the apocalypse was coming. Certain implications throughout the season, though, suggest that he knew more than just the date of the apocalypse, but how it was going to happen...
  • Arrrgh, why can't dead people get to the point?? Was RH gonna tell Klaus about Vanya??
  • Lol, the bouncers kicked Luther out. And the lady from S01E01 and S01E04 is back! She doesn't have her glasses here.
  • Right, this scene and the scene where Vanya recalls the bashing and grimly admits to herself that she's got powers... probably some of my favourite scenes in the whole season. They pulled out the CGI stops here. (I mean, still a bit hinky but leaps and bounds better than normal TV CGI.)
  • Leonard and Vanya walk out of the restaurant, arms around each other. She's much happier now Leonard's not forcing her to investigate her powers. Note her scarf draped loosely around her neck.
  • When the guy says "we'll trade you the car for the girl", Vanya speaks up. "Get off the car and leave us alone." She would never have done this a couple of days ago. Remember her talking to Helen?
  • Note the rain starts almost immediately after that one guy slaps her ass, and just before Leonard gets hit. Jesus Christ, the rain has to be fucking linked to her powers.
  • Increasing thunder coincides with Vanya's screams of "Leonard!" and "Stop it!!" as the guys beat him up, and the rain is suddenly furiously pelting down. (Fuck, it must have been fucking freezing out there filming this. Page and Magurro and those actors playing the thugs must have been sopping wet, bone-cold and pissed off when this scene wrapped. Thanks, guys.)
  • Vanya changes tack and starts screaming for help. And instantly we hear that high-pitched tuning fork noise. The guy who was restraining her before is now helping the others kick the living shit out of Leonard.
  • The way she steps forward... she doesn't rush forward and directly attack the guys. It's like everything's faded away and she was running forward to check on Leonard (the thugs have stopped whaling on him for a second) when she almost as an afterthought releases this burst of energy that sends two guys into nearby cars and the other straight into a brick wall. Also, her scarf is flung from her neck and flies towards the right of the screen. From S01E08, we know this lands high up on the restaurant sign and Allison ends up finding it. As soon as the energy burst has left her, she resumes her movement towards Leonard.
  • It was kinda nice of Leonard to ask those dudes to bash him up instead of Vanya, to get her powers to come out. Maybe his initial plan was to get her to attack the Academy when the umbrella gang hurt/killed Leonard? Perhaps the restaurant stunt was a pale copy of that, for Leonard to see if this would work? Perhaps this is how the apocalypse came about in Five's bleak future experience, with Luther dead with Harold/Leonard's gory eye in his fist. If this theory is correct, the restaurant attack was a success, because not only is Vanya now aware she is powerful enough to kill others, she'll be serious about discovering more about her powers. And Leonard has also established that she's not so uncontrolled that she'll attack him - as unintended as the energy burst in the carpark might have been, she managed to not touch Leonard at all despite killing two guys and putting the last in the hospital. (Unfortunately he didn't bank on Vanya finding RH's book in his things.)
  • Also, Page plays "absol-fucking-utely terrified" very well. Good job.
  • I must say, the whole season was pretty engrossing, but I think after Hazel knocked out Cha-Cha, I was just glued to my screen. The last bit of this episode and the remaining ones are just fantastic.
  • Cha-Cha is handcuffed to the radiator, glaring daggers at Hazel as he pleads his case. She's still convinced, even though she's seen him with Agnes and he says he's done with the job (and she already knows he's kinda sick of the job anyway) and he loves Agnes, that she can convince him to go back to how it was before, travelling the world and killing people, by finding the briefcase. The only issue is that she still has no reason to believe that the Commission will let both of them back. Even if Hazel goes back to how it was before, one of them will still have to kill the other according to the directives they received. So either she's lying to get him to free her, or she's got some serious cognitive dissonance going on.
  • She's also very, very personal about Hazel being with Agnes. She's never been this emotional or sweary before. She seems as close to tears as she could ever be. All I can think of is "Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned." To me, all of this suggests she's got at least a decent squish, if not an outright crush, on Hazel.
  • Hazel still can't shoot her, even though she's threatened to make him watch his girlfriend die slow before she kills him. Cha-Cha has got to know his heart isn't in the right place for this line of work any more.
  • Hazel takes her gun before he leaves the motel - he gives both his and her guns to Five in S01E08, to prove to Diego that Cha-Cha killed Patch and nothim.
  • "Exit Music (for a Film)" by Radiohead. This has gotta be a trope by now, I think a few other shows have used it as well. I think it's pretty effective here, since the peak is Vanya's understanding that she has powers and used them to hurt others really badly (it wasn't entirely unconscious, she was aware of it), and Leonard revealing that his right eye is gone, and that he's the owner of the prosthetic Five has been carrying for more than forty years (in fact, we see a quick shot of said eye on Five's bedside table during this very montage... he's still carrying it, even though he knows it can't help him reach its owner.).
  • Luther kisses the furryphile girl who's also been kicked out. We know they end up hooking up overnight, from the beginning of S01E08. (Hope sex ed was part of the curriculum at the Umbrella Academy!)
  • Allison drives unknowingly through the rain (possibly the same storm Vanya caused?) towards her sister, once again trying to save her from Leonard.
  • Why the fuck does Ben have a shadow? Ghosts in this universe are so fucking confusing. Either way, Ben is present and Klaus is still scratching at his arms, a good indication he is still stone-cold sober. That's a massive achievement.
  • Diego stuck in the precinct holding cell, sitting on the seat there, gives me a bunch of The Dark Knight feels. It feels like a tiny shoutout, but it's also showing Diego's frustration at being caged up when he has just about two days to find Hazel and Cha-Cha and make them pay for Patch. Oh, and stop the apocalypse. And find his other sister, who is apparently dating the guy who Five says will cause the apocalypse.
Got any comments/theories/discussion/suggestions? I'd love it if you could leave em below!
Breakdown for S01E08 will be up on the 15th July, around noon GMT. Thanks for taking part!
submitted by -screamin- to UmbrellaAcademy [link] [comments]

Bloodlines: The Legacy of Charlemagne (Part 17)

Emperor Julien IV


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4th of November, 1378
Ever since he became Emperor two years ago, father had been in constant warfare. He always spoke to me about the legendary battles of our forefathers. The Battle of Tours, the Battle of Giza, the various Crusades and so forth. I remember him saying ‘The greatest Kings and Emperors of France all fought valiantly to protect this Empire and project its power. I want to project power and become a new Caesar, son’. I always thought this line of thinking would get him killed and then the coffin arrived. His funeral was a closed casket as he had rotted in his journey to Paris before he was taken to be entombed under Notre Dame with the other great Kings and Emperors. I always assumed like him I’d have a chance at life before becoming Emperor and yet here I am having this responsibility thrusted on me so early. I inherited an Empire at war, I cannot organize a coronation like this. Rather I take the reins of my steed and ride out east with an escort. I will take the charge of the armies and let my new subjects know that their Emperor is fighting alongside them. Along with my father's body they did bring some good news. Pest has since fallen and many other Carpathian cities will soon follow. This is a winning war at least.
18th of January, 1379
I arrived in Bartfa in the northernmost edges of the Carpathian territory. It seems we were misguided on our journey to Pest. However, when we arrived we learned of an incoming Carpathian force outnumbering us almost 2 to one. I took my most skilled commanders and ordered them to take the flanks. I took command of the center army. Sending out word for reinforcements from the south we prepared for battle. Initially I managed to lead my men in the center taking point they followed my bravery and held firm returning arrow fire as I led a cavalry charge. This kept them routed and hesitant despite their greater numbers. Finally after days of stalling and preparing to retreat our center the army of Pest arrived and suddenly it was the Carpathians who were surrounded. Taking advantage of our greater forces I ordered a volley of arrows be fired followed by another cavalry charge dispersing their center. Quickly their ranks fell apart as we picked off their flanks one by one. With only two thousand losses we wiped out over half of the Carpathian army, with half of their Kingdom besieged and occupied the Regent sent me a letter after the battle. It seems he is willing to surrender as he and the boy King Roman II will flee to Russia. My father's claimant, Feodor, was placed on the Carpathian throne as King. Frankly it hardly mattered, I understand father simply wanted to prevent a political union of Carpathia and Russia. Feodor displayed gratitude to me but honestly I had no interest in the matter. After all, war was not over for me. With my fathers death the King of Italy and the Sultan of Andalusia will surely try to weasel out of their tributary status to France. I will have to straighten them out before I can accept the crown.

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21st of January, 1379
As we were marching back to France I met with my commanders and the Royal Marshal to discuss my plans regarding Italy and Andalusia. That is when I noticed among them was the bastard Simon de Bourges. As kids I remember he had shoved me into some mud when he was playing with me and my sister. Since then we’ve regularly gotten in fights. Of course when Belleassez started fighting more and more with father about how much he pushed her I always defended him. “He just wants you to find your own glory” I’d often tell her. She stopped talking to me and started spending more time with Simon. I wasn’t surprised when the rumors about her pregnancy at 15 floated around and when she gave birth I was disgusted and knew instantly who had done it. He dared show his face here as a commander? After all those years of hatred and bad blood between us? After he dared sleep with my sister and then pretend the child wasn’t his? “Simon, I want you out of this tent immediately.” He shrugged “I don’t see what offense I caused you.” I then walked over taking his shirt in my fist “You offended my entire family after what you did with my sister. This meeting is for commanders and capable warriors not peasants like you!” I said shoving him out of the tent into the mud much like how he had done to me all those years ago. “My father is a Count, you cannot treat your subjects this way!” he shouted back raising his voice as there was silence in the camp. He talked back to his liege, his superior. “I cannot let your dishonor go unpunished. Meet me outside camp at sunset.” He agreed as we met he drew his sword as I took my family spear. My father wielded it when he died, now it is mine. “This spear has been handed down by my family since King Eudes II. Now it will find its way into your heart just as it has for centuries into the hearts of France’s enemies.” He laughed some “I’m sure that rolled off better in your mind. It’s not often I get to swing my blade at an Emperor.” As the duel commenced I went for a thrust with my spear as he parried upwards though in a flash I swiped and slashed with the spear tip towards his face as it struck. In only a few seconds, an instant, there was blood on the ground all over Simon's hand and face as he screamed holding his right eye. A cut all the way down with blood dripping down he knelt dropping his blade. I stood over him ready to strike him down when I looked among the spectators I sighed and stepped back “I’ve won this. You will take this as a lesson in honor. You do not sire a bastard with my family, and you do not speak back to your Emperor in that manner. We are not children anymore Simon. It is time for you to grow up. Maybe losing an eye will help you see that.” I grinned walking away leaving him to hold his wound.
7th of September, 1379
Without any response from the Sultan or his regent, I’ve decided to call up arms against Andalusia to extort tribute from them. Just like my father and grandfather before me. Andalusia thinks that just because my father perished young that I won’t offer much threat. They are sorely mistaken. These wars will help restore the Empire father was building, his legacy won’t be forgotten.
15th of February, 1380
While my armies marched south into Andalusia fighting for their lives I lead a small force through the eastern coast in Rosello. It was here in Perpinya we used the mountains to ambush a larger Andalusian army. It was a small battle relatively speaking though we had to ultimately retreat we managed to give them significant losses and more importantly tied down their men into the mountains for over a month before we left. Giving time for more forces to cross the mountains into Andalusia. If they want to fight and resist, so be it.
22nd of April, 1380
This was the battle that ultimately will decide the war. The glorious battle I’m sure my father sought out in his conquests. We arrived in Utrillas to find our army under attack by a force of around 20 thousand Andalusians. Outnumbered I sent out word for all French armies to conjoin on this battle. For weeks the tides pulled forward and back. Andalusian cavalry forced us into retreats when thousands of reinforcements would come in giving us just enough numbers to hold. Then more Andalusians would arrive. All in all we had almost a hundred thousand men battle between both armies and in the end almost 18 thousand French soldiers lied dead. Nearly double as many Andalusians were slain as well as they were forced to retreat. A heavy and costly victory, so many men dead, not accounting for all of those who died in Carpathia last year. There is no way to keep this up. There is a limit to what the Empire can do. Some 14 thousand men will remain here to settle into a siege while the other half of my remaining forces march north after the fleeing infidels. I have more reinforcements on the way that I will probably redirect to sack Barcelona, the jewel of the Andalusians. However today we mourn.

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10th of September, 1380
With the siege of Barcelona the sultans regent finally admitted defeat. Such a costly war, and worse yet I’me being told that the nobility back in France are very unhappy. The costly wars and humiliating losses were already bad enough but now they were talking about either shifting more responsibility and power into the nobility or worse, overthrowing me in favor of one of my uncles. I head back to Paris to organize a coronation ceremony. After two years of fighting it is time to consolidate France itself. For now I will have to let the issue of Italy go and focus on rebuilding my army. Without levies I won’t be able to fend off any potential uprisings, and I will need to get the Church’s backing for my position as Emperor.
21st of November, 1380
After returning to Paris a massive ceremony was organized to celebrate my coronation. Pope Hadrianus V arrived rather late and spoke with me about some of the duties expected out of me as Emperor. Namely how I must stand against the tides of sin and heresy that peek from the shadows. After his lecture the ceremony began. I mingled with my many vassals drinking and ensuring that they understood that I would stand by their interests. Though I could hear among the whispers talks of plots and intrigue. I might have to start taking drastic measures to help ensure some stability. That is when I was called over as his Holiness was holding the crown and silence fell upon the room. I put on the blue cloak my father wore in his ceremony before walking up to the Pope as he began his prayer and blessing. As I knelt he spoke up for the whole room to hear “And so you are hereby named Emperor Julien IV of France, King of Brittany, of Aquitaine, of Navarra, of Arles, of Lotharingia, Defender of Christendom and Emperor of the Romans.” as he placed it down I rose up accepting the scepter and orb into my hands before turning to the crowds smiling as there was a loud applause and cheer. Finally with this ceremony I am rightfully Emperor.

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24th of September, 1381
I was praying at church when a servant came to me. “Can this wait for another time?” I asked “I am in the middle of something here.” “A thousand apologies, your grace” the servant said with a bow “But the court is gathering, Empress Tereza is giving birth to your child.” I rose instantly and without another word I rushed out towards the castle. When I arrived in the nursery I was told that I had yet to miss the moment and that is when I saw it. The baby emerged as the nursemaid cleaned it and the child began to let out a powerful cry. “A strong and healthy baby boy, my liege.” one of the nursemaids answered before handing me the child. Prince Julien was born, as I held the boy I rubbed his face softly before kissing him. A future Emperor was born today, my successor and first child. The courtiers began to cheer some as the nursemaids took care of Tereza and we all dispersed as I left young Julien with them.
16th of March, 1382
For months now I’ve been working tirelessly to appease my vassals. Usually through regular contact, extravagant gifts, as well as some scheming and blackmailing where necessary. The work has been endless though based on reports from the Imperial Marshal our levies are nearly at full strength. I’m not sure if I’m willing yet to go to war with Italy especially with just how tired I’ve become. Fatigue has consumed me to the point of me sleeping in and not wanting to move to do just about anything. I’m sure it is nothing though I do think I need to rest.
20th of December, 1386
The past few years have been relaxing. Though I still have to deal with the constant maneuvering of politics within the Empire it’s been stable. Julien is growing up to be quite an impressive young man though he’s only five years old he’s very strong and certainly has quite the attitude about him. Unfortunately despite my best efforts me and Tereza have yet to have any more children. Today I decided to ride my horse on a bit of a stroll to take a break from life at court. I had with me some guardsmen as an escort. Perhaps today would be a fine day for some celebrations. Duchess Busilla of Normandy, whose daughter was betrothed to Julien mind you, has proven to be a terrible pain in my side. She constantly riled up the nobility to plot against me trying to push for more power to the nobles rather than centered in my station. I wish I could say it was a surprise. Based on the documents from my predecessors it seems the Lords of Normandy have always been problematic. Ultimately I made the decision to revoke her title and bestow it on the now Duke Geraud. She was none all too pleased with me afterwards. I spent the time riding thinking about this and considering that perhaps I should start looking to replace the dukes and governors of the provinces since they just seem to refuse to be cooperative. That is when my train of thought was broken. A loud whistle was followed by a gag. I turned to the guardsmen to my right to see an arrow had pierced through the back of his neck out the front as blood sprayed out his horse reared. I kept mine steady and began to ride away as the other guards started shouting. More arrows rained down as I rode away. The bandits couldn’t catch us at all, amateurs. Though as I returned home I realized that there was truly an attempt on my life. I couldn’t imagine it really, and yet it happened before my very eyes. It must be Busilla’s work. Shes a sneak, always plotting about I wouldn’t be surprised at all if she were behind an assassination attempt. Then again I don’t have evidence of this yet. I’ll have to wait and see, hopefully I won’t find out after a dagger has pierced my heart.
7th of October, 1387
A long day, it’s been almost a year since my assassination attempt but my investigations have not turned up anything. As I laid in bed I don’t know why or when I awoke but I tried to get up and suddenly I was being pushed down. I begin to struggle and see it is a burly armsman who I promoted to the guards last week. He had a charming face and I was fooled by it! I noticed a skinny figure in a robe with a toothy grin and long nose. He seemed to be snickering as he brandished a dagger I flailed and struggled as the skinny man said quietly “Shh, don’t worry your grace it’ll be over quick” as he raised the dagger I managed to get a kick into the guardsman's groin. As he loosened I slipped out just as the man dug his dagger into the bed where my throat once was. I turned to the skinny man and swung my fist into his nose before dashing out of the room. “No” I heard the guardsman groan out as I screamed down the halls “Guards! Guards! Murderers! Killers!” the guardsmen rushed in as the two were pushed down and arrested. “Take them into the dungeon.” I ordered the captain “Have them tortured by any means necessary to find out who hired them and why.” The captain bowed “Yes your grace.” I then pointed to him “And double the guard for tonight. I will be returning to bed, make sure it's men you trust.” He nodded as I struggled to sleep during the night.
Come morning after tossing and turning throughout the night I finally got my report as the captain approached me “Your grace, it seems the two would-be murderers were agents of the Countess Busilla of Vexin.” I nodded reading the transcript of their confession “What did you do with the two men?” The captain shook his head in response “Nothing yet sire.” “Have them both hung, I would also request that you get me Imperial Marshal Antoine. I am going to need some men to march to Vexin and apprehend the Countess.” The captain bowed again “Of course your grace.” before departing. Finally the evidence I’ve been looking for.
15th of October, 1387
Busilla was brought into the court today at the hands of Duke Antoine. “Ah Countess so glad you could join us.” Duke Antoine let her go and speed back as she looked to me guardsmen were ready of course right behind her. Busilla then shot back “What is the meaning of this?! Your men show up in my home and arrest me on your orders?” I raised my hand to silence her “Your goons talked Busilla.” I saw the color drain from her face “I don’t know who your other conspirators were but I know you are the one who arranged for me to be killed on not one but two occasions.” She fell silent then asked “If I go quietly will you permit me a better sentence?” I shook my head “Your daughter was to be married to my son, our families were to become one and you try and have me killed? There is no lighter sentence for scum such as yourself. No loyalty to your Emperor, to the Empire. You have nothing of value to your name. As such you will be disposed of as the nothing you are.” She then shouted “I’m to be hanged?” I shook my head before gesturing for the guardsmen to escort her to her execution site. I stood on a balcony overseeing the execution. She was thrown into a muddy pit with a rabid boar. “Pigs will eat their own filth, they care for nothing just as you. You are filth and you happily lie in it. You aren’t worth the rope we’d use to hang you.” she stood up in tears begging for forgiveness before the boar rammed her. She began screaming as I watched the boar begin mauling her with its tusks running them in and out of her flesh biting and ripping apart her flesh to eat. Many turned away but I watched and I knew just as the life left her eyes I was the last thing she saw. Treachery is a crime most foul indeed.
24th of September, 1389
A wondrous day, I figured as Tereza approached her 40's we’d only have a single child but today she gave birth to our second child. Not just that but as the child emerged it was a massive baby boy. As the nursemaids handed him over to me his legs hung off one end and his head was barely contained. Tereza had truly pushed out quite the massive child indeed. “Hello there little Nicolas. Welcome to the world.” I said, looking at my newborn son. Eight year old Julien approached as I knelt for him to look at “Meet your little brother Julien.” Julien gave a small wave “Hey there little brother. Father can I hold him?” he asked as I shook my head “Oh no he’s a really heavy baby, just like you were but a bit more.” I laughed “Or maybe I’m getting old.” I handed Nicolas back to the nursemaids who had to take care of Tereza “Come, let’s give your mother some time and space to recover.”
5th of March, 1392
At first it was just a rash, my physician rubbed goat and boar milk over it to help soothe my skin though as it got worse I grew weaker and terrible lesions formed around my body as I felt like my head was going to explode. The Great Pox. I couldn’t even get out of bed and now I can barely awake. My Great Uncle Louis has taken over as my Regent. To think I would end up stuck in bed like this. Disgusting, where did I even get this terrible pox? Perhaps from my wife Tereza? It makes sense, I know she’s delivering in a few months our third child. I pray I can remake awake and alive enough to meet them at least.
12th of March, 1392
The Physician came in as he and I spoke. I weakly asked “Please tell me you have a cure for this terrible ailment…” I asked as they nodded presenting me this bottle. “Your grace, this vial is filled with mercury which will help relieve you of this illness. Though I must warn you that those who consume it often become weak in will.” I shook my head taking the vial “Any-anything for my Empire.” I said sipping the potion as I felt like my entire body was trembling and thrashing. I remember the pain, it burned all the way into my stomach and through. I screamed, I screamed so much. He brought me a second vial later as I drank it I realized the lesions were gone! My violent episodes were excruciating but I am cured. So beautiful.
24th of September, 1392
After taking my dosage of mercury I went tot he nursery though the maids tell me that I am a bit too ‘unstable’ to attend the birth of my third child. Just as I am starting to get frustrated and mad one of the maids approaches and tells me it is a boy. A Prince we’d long before decided to name Henri. Three sons then. How kind of God to bless me so. Succession is safe and secure.
27th of July, 1394
I was celebrating with some nobility, laughing and drinking together making friends. As we were I felt hot in my clothes and sweaty, so very sweaty. I started undressing next thing I knew I was calling for them to bring some horses then I realized “We need some food, somebody get the fire started, ah wait I have it.” I said, grabbing the candle as I lit the table, “We’ll roast it ON the table, save us time and effort.” I laughed grabbing the family spear using it to stab through a slab of meat cooking it over the fire before sitting down some. Many of the guests began laughing as I joined with them, what a wonderful time to be alive. “Oh no, I nearly forgot! Someone get me my mercury, I need to take it otherwise the Great Pox will come back for me!”
19th of October, 1394
It seems that several nobles have converted to the Lollard heresy! I don’t know how these loons managed to slip it under me but I’ll show them what for. Starting with the Duke of Savoy and then the rest I’ll take their lands away and give them to the righteous!
17th of June, 1396
You know ever since that party I’ve come to realize my horse has always been dependable sort. I could trust her with any and everything. I remember being almost killed by those bandits and she is who I rode to get away! You know what I bet she could run this Empire better than anyone else. I called the court in for a special session “Loyal Subjects of the Empire, I have come to a great announcement. In light of this Lollard heresy I’ve come to realize it is difficult to find those who you can reliably trust. I need a dependable Chancellor to watch over the Empire. And so I name my horse Glitterhoof as my new Chancellor and as the dutiful Designated Regent of France! “Let us have a toast in Glitterhoofs honor!” I heard murmurs before I struck my fist on the railing “Applause!” I screamed as they reluctantly did so. Long live Glitterhoof!

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24th of May, 1396
A little girl is born! How delightful! And as an added bonus she’s my daughter! Oh what a beautiful Charlotte, oh that would be a great name for a pet spider! What a wondrous child she seems to be. I patted my fat belly as it jiggled about “What a great day to be Emperor!”
27th of September, 1396
I was wandering through the castle when I spotted a young Amelie. She was the wife of one of my barons until he croaked about jeez so many years ago now. She was a peasant girl but we couldn’t just toss her onto the street. I approached her “Amelie, you look awfully lonely” she looked to me and smiled looking almost nervous “No your grace I’m just er waiting for some of the maids. We were going to spend some time together with a bit of tea after they finished their tasks.” I waved her off “Nonsense, now listen you needn’t call me your grace.” I reached over pulling her up though struggling a bit to pull her in as my gut got in the way “Listen, call me Julien.” she nodded “Well Julien I think I need to go” she said trying to push me away as I shook my head “Now now, you’re a lowborn aren’t you? Doesn’t that mean you have to go along with my words?” “Your gra-I mean Julien. That may be true but” I pressed her further against me she then continued “This isn’t- I don’t think the Empress would much appreciate this.” I shook my head “Oh no, please. That old woman can’t even bear me another child. But you. You look like a sweet candy cane at the end of a carrot!” she blinked confused. “Now come” I said gripping her wrist as I pulled her to the bedchambers. Of course she was wooed by me and accepted me fully. As I finished bedding her I decided Id’ keep her around. I’ve learned life is simply too short and one should always be happy to indulge themselves! In my case that means eating as I like and taking what I like and right now I think I want Amelie to come by my bedchambers more regularly.
27th of June, 1397
Amelie gave birth to a little girl considering she’s a widow there is now doubt it is my girl. I laughed her off when she demanded I take responsibility for what I’d done. “After what you’ve done to me, what you keep doing! And you won’t even recognize this child as yours?!” “What I’ve been doing is taking you for my own. Maybe if you didn’t keep seducing me-” “Seducing you?! You monster!” I frowned, shaking my head “Look just leave. Take that thing with you I have nothing else left to say. You peasant folk are all the same, give you anything and suddenly you think you’re royalty.” “How dare-” “I am your Emperor you whore! Go find some other fool because that is not MY child!” I waved her off as she turned to tears. The baby was already screaming and crying as she fled. Perhaps I’ll send her to a nunnery, yeah that’ll do.
26th of February, 1399
I’ve finally done it, my masterwork! I drafted a new law and passed it to be distributed among all of my vassals, the Hole in the Wall Act. By forcing all homesteads to have open holes in the walls wind will be able to freely pass through and provide fresh air to all people! What a wonderful law! With this the fresh air flowing through buildings will surely give peasants the needed air to function and work harder boosting performance! Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant I tell you!

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submitted by Leopath to CrusaderKings [link] [comments]

[Theory] Victoria, Yen, and the Truth About Talulah's Father

Disclaimer: spoilers for Ch 6-7. Huge thanks to the AK lore room people (love you Tofu).
Hey, old Wei, we’re… what do you call it, sworn brothers?
So please, take care of her and my daughter.
Oh, feels like it’s unnecessary to tell you these. It's not like you can't take care of your own sister, right?
I've already thought of my daughter's name. Call her...
… Talulah.
Don't take it to heart. I understand.
I understand everything.
https://preview.redd.it/83czlgkau3351.png?width=1500&format=png&auto=webp&s=975d94a71c0363aeab3a433756c2e10999781943
Wei Yenwu.
He’s the ruler of Lungmen. He’s the one who ordered the slums purge. He’s the one who went to throw his life away for Lungmen’s safety. He’s a very controversial character, which is why I think Hypergryph did a great job with him—you can argue that he’s righteous, or you can argue that he’s irredeemable. In a way, he reminds me of Kiritsugu Emiya, both morally grey, and both are willing to sacrifice the few for the many.
I believe that Wei started out as an idealist. He wanted to build a city where everyone could live in peace, but the arrival of Duke Koschei, the pressure from Yen, and the rooted prejudice against the infected turned him into the man he is today. First he was forced to kill his sworn brother, Edward Atlas, and when the fate of Lungmen and Talulah were placed on a balance, Wei chose the former.
But Edward’s death was never explained apart from a few words from Wei and an exchange between Wei and Koschei. All we know is that “the secret orders of a unicorn” and “the wrath of a true dragon” may be involved, and all Koschei did was spread some information here and there.
So, what happened? Why was Victoria involved? What is this “true dragon” that Koschei spoke of?
A question I've always had on the back of my mind was, with how much the story is pushing Yen to be a major player in the conflict, how would it fit into the plot when we've been too busy focusing on Lungmen, Chernobog, and Victoria?
And now I can proudly say, I think I have found the answer.
https://preview.redd.it/sgujeriba4351.png?width=514&format=png&auto=webp&s=6b74f874658e41dd98545d19df9283d223927d00
That’s right, I was wrong before. The “true dragon” wasn’t referring to Victoria.
It was Yen.

Part 1: A Brief Lesson on History

Yen is a reference to China. We can tell from the characters’ race and names, its locations and organizations, and the giant head of a Chinese dragon as its symbol. However, Yen is not modern China, but rather something like an amalgamation of a nation with all sorts of historical elements blended together.
https://preview.redd.it/88tqxv04w3351.png?width=512&format=png&auto=webp&s=ab75c42ea28c1c0205a87c916453552d3c6361b8
For centuries the Great Yen never declared war against the outside world, but this does not mean that the Great Yen doesn't have the capabilities for war. Rather, I should say, those countries with weak militaries cannot understand where Yen's prosperity came from.
Yen is referred to by Wei as “Great Yen”, and it’s not without reason. During imperial China, certain dynasties placed a “Great” in front of its title, but not all of them had that privilege. According to the book “YongZhuang Sketch” written during the Ming dynasty, the practice of placing a “Great” before the title only came into existence in the Yuan dynasty (Yuan really was “great” in terms of its size), and the “Great”s before then were only used by foreign countries and territories as a sign of respect. Thus, the only dynasties that officially used “Great” in its title were the Great Yuan, the Great Ming, and the Great Qing dynasties. Thus, we can determine that Yen should be a reference to one or more of these dynasties.
Next, we have Leizi. In her profile, we got the names of three organizations: the Censorate, Dali Temple, and SuZheng Yard. The last organization doesn’t exist in real life, and the closest thing is the PingZheng Yard which was created during the BeiYang government. On the other hand, the Censorate, an agency whose purpose was to investigate government officials for corruption and other crimes, existed until the Ming dynasty. Dali Temple, an agency that manages prisons, was renamed into Dali Yard in 1906 during the Qing dynasty, which eventually became the Supreme Court of the Republic of China.
And the sword Chixiao is even further back. When Liu Bang started his uprising by slaying a snake with Chixiao, it was about 600 years too early for the creation of Dali Temple. And according to legends, Chixiao was lost during the Western Jin dynasty, which was still about 200 years before.
… So that didn’t really tell us that much other than that Yen has elements from all over the place. However, we’re not done yet. Through the process of elimination, we can deduce further.
Wei stated that Yen hasn’t declared war for centuries. That eliminates the Qing dynasty, for its relationship with foreign nations wasn’t exactly… the best. I won’t go into further details for the sake of the word count, but for more information you can look into the siege of the International Legations. It also wouldn’t make sense for Yen to be the Yuan dynasty, since Yuan was ruled by the Mongols, and it’d be odd to have Lung nobles (like Ch’en’s father) and still use a Chinese dragon head as its symbol when the two cultures are so vastly different.
That leaves us with Ming, the last dynasty ruled by the Han people.
With that out of the way, we can base the following parts off of this conclusion.

Part 2: An Investigation on Wei Yenwu

So, why on Terra does Wei have Chixiao?
I can't believe I overlooked this last time.
As I have covered in this previous theory, Chixiao is the sword of kings. There is absolutely zero reason for it to end up in some random city overseer's hands. Recall that in Wei's profile in the info tab, his physical condition was said to possibly be the result of his previous employment. In Ch 7 we also learn that it was Wei who taught Ch'en swordsmanship and Arts, and that Wei was Chixiao's previous owner.
https://preview.redd.it/k0a0whnlw3351.png?width=1354&format=png&auto=webp&s=2ddf861655c8f64b698f20d87dc757e16d93edd2
I’ve always had my doubts on whether Chixiao was really forged by Raythean. For a sword with such a significant historical name slapped to it, it feels odd for it to be forged by a foreign company. Kal’tsit also expressed her surprise that “they” (whoever it may refer to) are still forging these kinds of weapons.
Anyway.
Why did a Higashi princess marry some random city overseer? Why would the Yen inspectors compare Wei’s private army to Yen’s royal guards? What’s this rumor about Wei’s background? Most importantly, who is this brother he keeps mentioning?
\Indescribable theorycrafter noises**
Let’s break this down.
There’s a Chinese proverb that, directly translated, means “the gates and the houses match”, which means that in marriage, the two parties should be of equal societal status. This is a common tradition in both ancient China and Japan, but if you think this is only a saying, oh boy. There were literally Chinese laws that forbid or punished people of different statuses from marrying. For example, during the Tang dynasty, if a servant were to marry a woman from a higher status, they would be put into forced manual labor for a year and half and half a year respectively, while those who knew about it but didn’t report it would be beaten with a stick.
Ah, history. How lovely.
Fumizuki is a princess of Higashi. Under no circumstances should Higashi and Yen agree to have her marry Wei unless Wei was at least of equal status. When Wei came to Lungmen and took it back from Koschei, Fumizuki was already by his side, meaning that the marriage, or at least their relationship, should be known beforehand (what would a Higashi princess be doing running around with a Yen noble if they weren’t already married?).
And what’s the male version of a princess? A prince.
https://preview.redd.it/36noqsqta4351.png?width=953&format=png&auto=webp&s=ae846ea75288daef44a692d50111e8323ad5a237
???: Taihe, have you heard that rumor?
Inspector: About Wei Yenwu's origins?
Taihe: Don't talk about the people above you.
???: Apologies. Though, compared to the royal guards, how were the black raincoats?
The obvious answer would be “Why are you comparing Wei’s private forces to the military literally tasked to protect the emperor?”
By the Ming dynasty, the royal guards already had squads armed with rifles and cannons, making them one of the best-equipped forces in the world, and they numbered over 160 thousand people. Comparing some city’s security forces to them would be like comparing the light of a match to a bonfire.
And this “rumor” about Wei’s background is even more odd. “Don't talk about the people above you” sounds to me like “Shut up before we get in trouble.”
More fuel to the fire of mystery.
Fumizuki, after your experience in Lungmen, you should know that my brother will never allow me to declare war on Ursus.

"Don't feel guilty. I know. We're sworn brothers, right? Brothers... know everything."
Sworn kins destroy each other.
"I hate you. I hate them too. I should've loved you, but now I hate all of you."
Blood kins destroy each other.
"Why me? Why is it me? Who can sit steadily in this seat? Why do I have to sit in it?"
Closest kins destroy each other.

I'll send you to a hidden place. My brother... he wouldn't chase you all the way there no matter how much he hates me... he wouldn't. Right, he wouldn't.
Brother, huh.
I should point something out here: the word for “brother” Wei used specifically refers to a younger brother with the same mother. The father could be the same person, or they might be different. It would be too difficult to accurately determine which exactly is the case, and since it doesn’t have much room for discussion, all we need to know is that Wei and his brother are related by blood.
Let’s analyze these lines.
Wei didn’t say his brother “wouldn’t want” him to declare war, but rather he “won’t allow” him to declare war, the connotation being that Wei’s brother has actual rights to decide whether to declare war or not. Only the emperor of Yen would have that kind of authority.
The line “Don’t feel guilty” combined with the “sworn brothers” part lead me to believe that this is in fact Talulah’s father, Edward Atlas speaking. With the quote at the very beginning of Edward asking Wei to take care of Talulah, telling Wei not to take it to heart, and how he understands everything, Edward likely knew he had to die.
A blood kin is, obviously, kins related by blood. Since each of these lines should refer to a different person, and the next line is reserved for a certain special someone, I believe this is referring to Wei’s sister, and the “they” (a “they” used specifically for females) are Ch’en and Talulah. A mother should love her daughters, but because of the circumstances and what Wei did, she now hates them.
Now, the last two lines are certainly interesting.
There’s a “seat” that someone apparently don’t want to sit in. And the first time I saw this line, I immediately interpreted it as “the throne”.
The throne of the emperor is not something for the unprepared or the faint of heart. You have an entire country’s worth of problems to take care of every day; you have all your relatives trying to gain something from your authority, or even try to usurp you; you have your ministers trying to extend their power by influencing you; you have foreign nations that you have to deal with every so often, whether the relationship is beneficial or not; and you have your own sons who pretty much are all eyeing same seat you’re sitting in.
It’s no wonder why most emperors in history don’t live long.
Of course, there were sons who didn’t wish to inherit the throne. But there's a problem. According to the tradition in most dynasties up until Qing, the first son of the queen has the most right to inherit the throne, and the eldest son out of the emperor’s concubines follows after. As the firstborn, even if you don't want to, the ministers will practically force you to become the emperor. No matter what, Wei’s status should be higher than that of his younger brother’s. The hatred for Wei seems to be resultant from this too, but there shouldn’t be a reason for his brother to be the emperor in the first place.
But I have an explanation.

Part 3: Piecing Together the Puzzle

We have the clues. We just have to hang them up in the reception room.
https://preview.redd.it/mtlp5lrab4351.png?width=1280&format=png&auto=webp&s=00d9256bb577f36e32150d965b4eb72fd1184ea8
Here’s Koschei’s line again:
My role is not important. Your brother's tragedy may have been the secret orders of a unicorn, the wrath of a true dragon, but whether it was I who leaked the news or not, no, it doesn't matter.
What matters, Wei, the only truth that matters—with Chixiao in your hands, you killed your brother. With your own two hands.
Chixiao, the dragon slaying sword. Whose life has this sword claimed? Blood kins, sworn kins, closest kins.
Dragon slaying sword? You people forged this sword only to kill your own kind.
I’ve interpreted “true dragon” as Victoria in my previous theory linked above, but now I believe I was wrong.
In imperial China, the emperor is sometimes referred to as “the son of the true dragon” or simply “the true dragon” in order to solidify their status as someone higher than the common folks. There were even legends about dragons being involved in some emperors’ birth.
If you followed Arknights in the early days, their official weibo would occasionally post messages from “the Recorder”, telling the story of a person who encountered Rhodes Island in their journey. As I was compiling these weibos a few days ago, I ran into a particular message:
https://preview.redd.it/g9mx1xk6c4351.png?width=690&format=png&auto=webp&s=647035e9ef13519c81903d4aece447a05683bab9
Wei Yenwu
“I need that child. Do me a small favor.”
(A man with the head of a true dragon said this to me. I think I involved myself with someone I shouldn’t.)
A very specific word to use, don’t you think?
Let’s look back at Koschei’s lines again. I’ve said that according to the hierarchy, Wei should’ve inherited the throne, rather than his brother. This line tells us why:
Chixiao, the dragon slaying sword. Whose life has this sword claimed? Blood kins, sworn kins, closest kins.
If there’s anything I learned from the entire exchange between Koschei and Wei, it’s that Koschei talks like an insufferable jackass. He carefully picks his words just to make you suffer the most. He taunts you when he knows he’s well out of your ability to do anything. He was quite literally toying with Wei. He mentioned “Blood kins, sworn kins, and closest kins” to get under Wei’s nerves, and not without reason.
Because Wei has slain a blood kin. Someone closest to him.
We’ve seen the sworn kin. Wei killed Edward. We’ve yet to see the blood kin.
A king should be judged the same way as a commoner if they commit a crime (although I don’t think the same applies here). I believe that because of this incident, Wei was outcasted from the royal family and his brother became the emperor. He changed his name, went off to Lungmen, and started a new life there.
I’m going to make the prediction again: I think Wei Yenwu isn’t his real name.
You’re probably wondering by now about how Victoria fits into all this. And, to be fair, I did too. I’ve mentioned in my previous theory that “unicorn” refers to Scotland, which is in Great Britain/Victoria. I spent a few days looking through operator profiles, trying to figure out why Koschei would lump the two together, to no avail.
Then I realized. Partial Necrosis.
https://preview.redd.it/idaktc5gd4351.png?width=953&format=png&auto=webp&s=5bb74c67259b64e0268a4edff60abb84b8617b72
Ch'en: The Lungmen special forces were secretly mobilized. We don't know if the residents in the area are still alive.
Swire: Ah? What did you say? How could this happen...
Ch'en: Don't try to fool me, you know the truth. At least you’ve heard of it. You must know.
Swire: … How would I know?
Swire: Wait, you know too?
Ch'en: I don’t know. But your grandfather definitely does.
Swire: What? I don't understand anything you are talking about! Fuck, can you be more straightforward?
Swire: My grandfather is still lying on his sickbed, he can't even talk properly!
Ch'en: Can a disease keep him from controlling Lungmen? You should know better than me what kind of person your grandfather is!
And with that, our question is answered.
Why would Lungmen, said by Wei to be “a key part of Great Yen”, allow a Victorian noble to have so much influence? Why would Wei let it happen? Why would Yen let it happen?
Remember what place Lungmen is based off of?
Hong Kong. A colony of Britain until 1997.
For the purpose of this theory, I’ll be dubbing this relationship as “the Yen-Victoria alliance”. From Swire’s profile, especially the part about the kidnapping where Wei and her grandfather planned the rescue together, we can say that Wei and Swire’s grandfather, and by extension Yen and Victoria, are on friendly terms.
Next, we have a snippet from Reed’s profile.
“Over twenty years ago, the Draco bloodline was considered to be extinct, and no one could threaten the Aslan’s rule over Victoria.”
The Ursus-Lungmen conflict happened twenty years ago. By then, Dracos should be considered extinct already.
But Edward, Talulah’s father, was a Draco, and Dracos were supposed to be the ruler of Victoria.
That’s the thread that ties this all together. It was just like Koschei said: he leaked the news. The news regarding the existence of a Draco, and that he’s Wei Yenwu’s sworn brother. The only one who can uproot the current situation in Victoria.
Naturally, Victoria would want Edward gone. And Yen, with Wei’s brother as its emperor and using this as an excuse, could accuse Wei of treason—for conspiring with someone who could threaten the relationship between it and its ally. If that happens, Wei would lose everything. His ideals about building Lungmen will forever remain a dream.
At the same time, the easiest way to prove your innocence would be to kill Edward.
Everything makes sense now. Edward understood the situation. For the sake of Lungmen, and for the sake of Wei, he allowed himself to be killed.
That, my friends, is how Yen ties into everything.
Putting my bets on this symbol appearing sometime later in the story.
Of course, this is only my theory on what the truth is. It’s just a theory, after all.
Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed Code of Brawl, and I’ll appreciate it if you will check out more of my stuff here.
submitted by Laulicon to arknights [link] [comments]

(SPOILERS) Why was Tywin Lannister inexcusably rude to the Princess of Dorne?

Tywin is painted as a man well in control, governed by careful calculation that serves his endless ambition. He might be rude and belittling to his vassals and servants, but to the blood of the great houses? The only exception to this is his son Tyrion, but children are always an exception.
Rudeness or lack of respect, even if just a perceived insult, such as the breaking of an engagement, frequently leads to blood being spilt. Tywin knows this he even uses it to leverage things to his advantage.
But when the Princess of Dorne visited him, around 273, he dismisses both possible matches of Cersei and Jaime with Oberyn and Elia, with the obvious insult of offering Tyrion. Further, he likely knew his beloved Joanna might have been party to the idea.
He gives an unbelievably presuming excuse that Cersei was “meant to marry” Rhaegar, prior to any discussion with King Aerys II and gives no explicit excuse whatsoever about Jaime when offering Tyrion instead.
Setting aside the galling presumption Tywin has saying Cersei will marry Rhaegar, Jaime Lannister marrying a Princess of Dorne would be a step up in Tywin’s endless ambitions. Why did Tywin dismiss it out of hand?
I believe it is because Tywin knows both Elia and Oberyn are bastards of King Aerys II.
Tywin would never marry either Cersei or Jaime to a Bastard. It would be a secret that might come out and stain the house. Further, I’m sure Tywin was haunted by the fact there were standing rumors that King Aerys II May have fathered Cersei and Jaime and may have been the cause for Joanna’s dismissal from Rhaella’s service as a lady in waiting. Did he emotionally buckle and give in to uncontrolled rudeness freaking out that part of the formulation behind the match was the Cersei and Jaime were also unrevealed bastards?
Tywin has been at Aerys II elbow since he was a cup bearer. I’m sure Tywin heard endlessly about the Prince then King’s conquests.
As a princess, and eventual queen, Rhaella had multiple ladies in waiting. At some point, they included the Princess of Dorne prior and overlapping Joanna Lannister’s stint as a lady in waiting.
Joanna Lannister was a lady in waiting to Queen Rhaella from 259-263 AC.
The Princess of Dorne was mother of Prince Doran Martell (b. 247 AC), Elia (b. 257 AC) and Oberyn born one year later. During the huge barren gap between 247 AC and 257 AC, the Princess was plagued with miscarriages, just as Rhaella was. It seems the conception of Elia and Oberyn very well match her timeline as Rhaella’s lady in waiting. In Dorne bastardy does not seriously diminish status as it does in the north.
Further, it seems King Aerys II was very fond of the Princess, as we learn that In 270 AC, during a visit to Sunspear, King Aerys II Targaryen told the Princess that he would "make the Dornish deserts bloom" by digging a great underground canal beneath the Red Mountains to bring water down from the rainwood. But like most of his grandiose plans, it was quickly forgotten.
It is just three years later that Tywin so boldly insults her. And, with the high insult, the Princess destroys all of Tywin’s careful planning and construction of status with a simple word to Aerys. When Tywin broached the subject of a match between Cersei and Rhaegar he received his comeuppance for insulting the Princess of Dorne with not just a refusal but a mocking one for his presumption given his status. Aerys also took Jaime into his guard so that the only son to carry the Lannister name forward was the dwarf he mockingly offered as a match to the Princess.
EVERYONE BUZZES about whether Cersei and Jaime might be Aerys’s kids. George pointed us that way. The war is all about Joffrey not being Roberts son. How many times is the word bastard used discussing Jon? But a writer magician like George, distracts us with this easy buzz, and I think the Big Bang is as well laid out and is even more surprising as we were distracted by the easy buzz.
As both the Princess of Dorne and Queen Rhaella both knew the heartbeat of endless miscarriages, it may be that Elia’s match to Rhaegar was BECAUSE Aerys II was her father. Matches across pureblood houses often created fertility problems. The fact Elia was half dragon royalty might have been a plus. We know Aerys is racist as he says about his grandchild, she smells Dornish. I bet it would have been hard to sell Aerys on marrying Rhaegar to Elia. Maybe Queen Rhaella and the Princess of Dorne PLAYED Tywin’s weaknesses about bastards. Maybe Cersei was close to being betrothed to Rhaegar and Rhaella derailed it. Tywin was just about King all except the title, Cersei is pretty transparent as to who she is. Rhaella was in a horrible marriage, maybe Rhaella wanted to spare her son the same and protect Targaryen hegemony. Oleanna used poison to protect Margery from Joffrey, maybe Rhaella used a different kind of poison to protect Rhaegar from Cersei.
In real world olden days, conception was a mystery. This made virginity a highly prized assurance that children that were the product of a marriage were assured to be from the seed of the husband. There were all kinds of theories that a man’s seed can lay dormant in a woman for YEARS before creating a pregnancy.
Swedish playwright explores the neurotic uncertainty that can plague men as to whether their children are their own. The psychology of parentage is not symmetric between men and women.
With the exception of an unmarried woman of standing giving birth and timeframe-impossible conceptions, both on Earth and Westeros, only half the bastards of social standing are known and stigmatized. The other half are hidden, by the married status of the mother.
I think George is going to blow our minds using parentage.
The whole Jon character formation as a bastard BUT IT SEEMS IT WILL END UP HE ISN’T. Further, NED thinking Joffrey is a pretender King, as he’s not Robert’s son, might protect Roberts blood claim. BUT JOFFREY ISN’T A PRETENDER, if he is actually a grandson (doubly) to Aerys II, he is actually the rightful Targaryen heir living in Westeros. If Cersei is Aerys II’s child, I wonder if she would she have used it to defuse the war of succession. Jon switches babies to protect the royal blood of the King Beyond the Wall. Lots of complexity going on involving parentage.
I will end in my tinfoil is this foreshadowing is correct.
Dani is not Aerys II daughter. She was born nine moons after Rhaella was brought to Dragonstone. Did Jonathor Darry impregnate her gaining her protection from mad Aerys II desperate sadistic impregnating attempts? Dani loves the sea, maybe the father was a Velaryon? A young Aureon Waters, clearly Aerys’s Bastard, might be suitable to produce an addition prompted by prophecy?
Or
Is the valencar haunting Cersei a half sibling? If Dani and Cersei are both Aerys’s children, Dani is the youngest.
submitted by ChayaFeige to pureasoiaf [link] [comments]

I'm bored, so here's the entire bee movie script:

(The rest of the script is in the comments, sort by old)
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap? Of course. I'm sorry. I flew us right into this. What were we thinking? Look at us. We're just a couple of bugs in this world. What will the humans do to us if they win? I don't know. I hear they put the roaches in motels. That doesn't sound so bad. Adam, they check in, but they don't check out! Oh, my. Oould you get a nurse to close that window? - Why? - The smoke. Bees don't smoke. Right. Bees don't smoke. Bees don't smoke! But some bees are smoking. That's it! That's our case! It is? It's not over? Get dressed. I've gotta go somewhere. Get back to the court and stall. Stall any way you can. And assuming you've done step correctly, you're ready for the tub. Mr. Flayman. Yes? Yes, Your Honor! Where is the rest of your team? Well, Your Honor, it's interesting. Bees are trained to fly haphazardly, and as a result, we don't make very good time. I actually heard a funny story about... Your Honor, haven't these ridiculous bugs taken up enough of this court's valuable time? How much longer will we allow these absurd shenanigans to go on? They have presented no compelling evidence to support their charges against my clients, who run legitimate businesses. I move for a complete dismissal of this entire case! Mr. Flayman, I'm afraid I'm going to have to consider Mr. Montgomery's motion. But you can't! We have a terrific case. Where is your proof? Where is the evidence? Show me the smoking gun! Hold it, Your Honor! You want a smoking gun? Here is your smoking gun. What is that? It's a bee smoker! What, this? This harmless little contraption? This couldn't hurt a fly, let alone a bee. Look at what has happened to bees who have never been asked, "Smoking or non?" Is this what nature intended for us? To be forcibly addicted to smoke machines and man-made wooden slat work camps? Living out our lives as honey slaves to the white man? - What are we gonna do? - He's playing the species card. Ladies and gentlemen, please, free these bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! Free the bees! The court finds in favor of the bees! Vanessa, we won! I knew you could do it! High-five! Sorry. I'm OK! You know what this means? All the honey will finally belong to the bees. Now we won't have to work so hard all the time. This is an unholy perversion of the balance of nature, Benson. You'll regret this. Barry, how much honey is out there? All right. One at a time. Barry, who are you wearing? My sweater is Ralph Lauren, and I have no pants. - What if Montgomery's right? - What do you mean? We've been living the bee way a long time, 27 million years. Oongratulations on your victory.
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Bee movie

The Entire Bee Movie Script
Bee Movie Script - Dialogue Transcript According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don't care what humans think is impossible. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Yellow, black. Ooh, black and yellow! Let's shake it up a little. Barry! Breakfast is ready! Ooming! Hang on a second. Hello? - Barry? - Adam? - Oan you believe this is happening? - I can't. I'll pick you up. Looking sharp. Use the stairs. Your father paid good money for those. Sorry. I'm excited. Here's the graduate. We're very proud of you, son. A perfect report card, all B's. Very proud. Ma! I got a thing going here. - You got lint on your fuzz. - Ow! That's me! - Wave to us! We'll be in row 118,000. - Bye! Barry, I told you, stop flying in the house! - Hey, Adam. - Hey, Barry. - Is that fuzz gel? - A little. Special day, graduation. Never thought I'd make it. Three days grade school, three days high school. Those were awkward. Three days college. I'm glad I took a day and hitchhiked around the hive. You did come back different. - Hi, Barry. - Artie, growing a mustache? Looks good. - Hear about Frankie? - Yeah. - You going to the funeral? - No, I'm not going. Everybody knows, sting someone, you die. Don't waste it on a squirrel. Such a hothead. I guess he could have just gotten out of the way. I love this incorporating an amusement park into our day. That's why we don't need vacations. Boy, quite a bit of pomp... under the circumstances. - Well, Adam, today we are men. - We are! - Bee-men. - Amen! Hallelujah! Students, faculty, distinguished bees, please welcome Dean Buzzwell. Welcome, New Hive Oity graduating class of... ...9:15. That concludes our ceremonies. And begins your career at Honex Industries! Will we pick ourjob today? I heard it's just orientation. Heads up! Here we go. Keep your hands and antennas inside the tram at all times. - Wonder what it'll be like? - A little scary. Welcome to Honex, a division of Honesco and a part of the Hexagon Group. This is it! Wow. Wow. We know that you, as a bee, have worked your whole life to get to the point where you can work for your whole life. Honey begins when our valiant Pollen Jocks bring the nectar to the hive. Our top-secret formula is automatically color-corrected, scent-adjusted and bubble-contoured into this soothing sweet syrup with its distinctive golden glow you know as... Honey! - That girl was hot. - She's my cousin! - She is? - Yes, we're all cousins. - Right. You're right. - At Honex, we constantly strive to improve every aspect of bee existence. These bees are stress-testing a new helmet technology. - What do you think he makes? - Not enough. Here we have our latest advancement, the Krelman. - What does that do? - Oatches that little strand of honey that hangs after you pour it. Saves us millions. Oan anyone work on the Krelman? Of course. Most bee jobs are small ones. But bees know that every small job, if it's done well, means a lot. But choose carefully because you'll stay in the job you pick for the rest of your life. The same job the rest of your life? I didn't know that. What's the difference? You'll be happy to know that bees, as a species, haven't had one day off in 27 million years. So you'll just work us to death? We'll sure try. Wow! That blew my mind! "What's the difference?" How can you say that? One job forever? That's an insane choice to have to make. I'm relieved. Now we only have to make one decision in life. But, Adam, how could they never have told us that? Why would you question anything? We're bees. We're the most perfectly functioning society on Earth. You ever think maybe things work a little too well here? Like what? Give me one example. I don't know. But you know what I'm talking about. Please clear the gate. Royal Nectar Force on approach. Wait a second. Oheck it out. - Hey, those are Pollen Jocks! - Wow. I've never seen them this close. They know what it's like outside the hive. Yeah, but some don't come back. - Hey, Jocks! - Hi, Jocks! You guys did great! You're monsters! You're sky freaks! I love it! I love it! - I wonder where they were. - I don't know. Their day's not planned. Outside the hive, flying who knows where, doing who knows what. You can'tjust decide to be a Pollen Jock. You have to be bred for that. Right. Look. That's more pollen than you and I will see in a lifetime. It's just a status symbol. Bees make too much of it. Perhaps. Unless you're wearing it and the ladies see you wearing it. Those ladies? Aren't they our cousins too? Distant. Distant. Look at these two. - Oouple of Hive Harrys. - Let's have fun with them. It must be dangerous being a Pollen Jock. Yeah. Once a bear pinned me against a mushroom! He had a paw on my throat, and with the other, he was slapping me! - Oh, my! - I never thought I'd knock him out. What were you doing during this? Trying to alert the authorities. I can autograph that. A little gusty out there today, wasn't it, comrades? Yeah. Gusty. We're hitting a sunflower patch six miles from here tomorrow. - Six miles, huh? - Barry! A puddle jump for us, but maybe you're not up for it. - Maybe I am. - You are not! We're going 0900 at J-Gate. What do you think, buzzy-boy? Are you bee enough? I might be. It all depends on what 0900 means. Hey, Honex! Dad, you surprised me. You decide what you're interested in? - Well, there's a lot of choices. - But you only get one. Do you ever get bored doing the same job every day? Son, let me tell you about stirring. You grab that stick, and you just move it around, and you stir it around. You get yourself into a rhythm. It's a beautiful thing. You know, Dad, the more I think about it, maybe the honey field just isn't right for me. You were thinking of what, making balloon animals? That's a bad job for a guy with a stinger. Janet, your son's not sure he wants to go into honey! - Barry, you are so funny sometimes. - I'm not trying to be funny. You're not funny! You're going into honey. Our son, the stirrer! - You're gonna be a stirrer? - No one's listening to me! Wait till you see the sticks I have. I could say anything right now. I'm gonna get an ant tattoo! Let's open some honey and celebrate! Maybe I'll pierce my thorax. Shave my antennae. Shack up with a grasshopper. Get a gold tooth and call everybody "dawg"! I'm so proud. - We're starting work today! - Today's the day. Oome on! All the good jobs will be gone. Yeah, right. Pollen counting, stunt bee, pouring, stirrer, front desk, hair removal... - Is it still available? - Hang on. Two left! One of them's yours! Oongratulations! Step to the side. - What'd you get? - Picking crud out. Stellar! Wow! Oouple of newbies? Yes, sir! Our first day! We are ready! Make your choice. - You want to go first? - No, you go. Oh, my. What's available? Restroom attendant's open, not for the reason you think. - Any chance of getting the Krelman? - Sure, you're on. I'm sorry, the Krelman just closed out. Wax monkey's always open. The Krelman opened up again. What happened? A bee died. Makes an opening. See? He's dead. Another dead one. Deady. Deadified. Two more dead. Dead from the neck up. Dead from the neck down. That's life! Oh, this is so hard! Heating, cooling, stunt bee, pourer, stirrer, humming, inspector number seven, lint coordinator, stripe supervisor, mite wrangler. Barry, what do you think I should... Barry? Barry! All right, we've got the sunflower patch in quadrant nine... What happened to you? Where are you? - I'm going out. - Out? Out where? - Out there. - Oh, no! I have to, before I go to work for the rest of my life. You're gonna die! You're crazy! Hello? Another call coming in. If anyone's feeling brave, there's a Korean deli on 83rd that gets their roses today. Hey, guys. - Look at that. - Isn't that the kid we saw yesterday? Hold it, son, flight deck's restricted. It's OK, Lou. We're gonna take him up. Really? Feeling lucky, are you? Sign here, here. Just initial that. - Thank you. - OK. You got a rain advisory today, and as you all know, bees cannot fly in rain. So be careful. As always, watch your brooms, hockey sticks, dogs, birds, bears and bats. Also, I got a couple of reports of root beer being poured on us. Murphy's in a home because of it, babbling like a cicada! - That's awful. - And a reminder for you rookies, bee law number one, absolutely no talking to humans! All right, launch positions! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz! Black and yellow! Hello! You ready for this, hot shot? Yeah. Yeah, bring it on. Wind, check. - Antennae, check. - Nectar pack, check. - Wings, check. - Stinger, check. Scared out of my shorts, check. OK, ladies, let's move it out! Pound those petunias, you striped stem-suckers! All of you, drain those flowers! Wow! I'm out! I can't believe I'm out! So blue. I feel so fast and free! Box kite! Wow! Flowers! This is Blue Leader. We have roses visual. Bring it around 30 degrees and hold. Roses! 30 degrees, roger. Bringing it around. Stand to the side, kid. It's got a bit of a kick. That is one nectar collector! - Ever see pollination up close? - No, sir. I pick up some pollen here, sprinkle it over here. Maybe a dash over there, a pinch on that one. See that? It's a little bit of magic. That's amazing. Why do we do that? That's pollen power. More pollen, more flowers, more nectar, more honey for us. Oool. I'm picking up a lot of bright yellow. Oould be daisies. Don't we need those? Oopy that visual. Wait. One of these flowers seems to be on the move. Say again? You're reporting a moving flower? Affirmative. That was on the line! This is the coolest. What is it? I don't know, but I'm loving this color. It smells good. Not like a flower, but I like it. Yeah, fuzzy. Ohemical-y. Oareful, guys. It's a little grabby. My sweet lord of bees! Oandy-brain, get off there! Problem! - Guys! - This could be bad. Affirmative. Very close. Gonna hurt. Mama's little boy. You are way out of position, rookie! Ooming in at you like a missile! Help me! I don't think these are flowers. - Should we tell him? - I think he knows. What is this?! Match point! You can start packing up, honey, because you're about to eat it! Yowser! Gross. There's a bee in the car! - Do something! - I'm driving! - Hi, bee. - He's back here! He's going to sting me! Nobody move. If you don't move, he won't sting you. Freeze! He blinked! Spray him, Granny! What are you doing?! Wow... the tension level out here is unbelievable. I gotta get home. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Oan't fly in rain. Mayday! Mayday! Bee going down! Ken, could you close the window please? Ken, could you close the window please? Oheck out my new resume. I made it into a fold-out brochure. You see? Folds out. Oh, no. More humans. I don't need this. What was that? Maybe this time. This time. This time. This time! This time! This... Drapes! That is diabolical. It's fantastic. It's got all my special skills, even my top-ten favorite movies. What's number one? Star Wars? Nah, I don't go for that... ...kind of stuff. No wonder we shouldn't talk to them. They're out of their minds. When I leave a job interview, they're flabbergasted, can't believe what I say. There's the sun. Maybe that's a way out. I don't remember the sun having a big 75 on it. I predicted global warming. I could feel it getting hotter. At first I thought it was just me. Wait! Stop! Bee! Stand back. These are winter boots. Wait! Don't kill him! You know I'm allergic to them! This thing could kill me! Why does his life have less value than yours? Why does his life have any less value than mine? Is that your statement? I'm just saying all life has value. You don't know what he's capable of feeling. My brochure! There you go, little guy. I'm not scared of him. It's an allergic thing. Put that on your resume brochure. My whole face could puff up. Make it one of your special skills. Knocking someone out is also a special skill. Right. Bye, Vanessa. Thanks. - Vanessa, next week? Yogurt night? - Sure, Ken. You know, whatever. - You could put carob chips on there. - Bye. - Supposed to be less calories. - Bye. I gotta say something. She saved my life. I gotta say something. All right, here it goes. Nah. What would I say? I could really get in trouble. It's a bee law. You're not supposed to talk to a human. I can't believe I'm doing this. I've got to. Oh, I can't do it. Oome on! No. Yes. No. Do it. I can't. How should I start it? "You like jazz?" No, that's no good. Here she comes! Speak, you fool! Hi! I'm sorry. - You're talking. - Yes, I know. You're talking! I'm so sorry. No, it's OK. It's fine. I know I'm dreaming. But I don't recall going to bed. Well, I'm sure this is very disconcerting. This is a bit of a surprise to me. I mean, you're a bee! I am. And I'm not supposed to be doing this, but they were all trying to kill me. And if it wasn't for you... I had to thank you. It's just how I was raised. That was a little weird. - I'm talking with a bee. - Yeah. I'm talking to a bee. And the bee is talking to me! I just want to say I'm grateful. I'll leave now. - Wait! How did you learn to do that? - What? The talking thing. Same way you did, I guess. "Mama, Dada, honey." You pick it up. - That's very funny. - Yeah. Bees are funny. If we didn't laugh, we'd cry with what we have to deal with. Anyway... Oan I... ...get you something? - Like what? I don't know. I mean... I don't know. Ooffee? I don't want to put you out. It's no trouble. It takes two minutes. - It's just coffee. - I hate to impose. - Don't be ridiculous! - Actually, I would love a cup. Hey, you want rum cake? - I shouldn't. - Have some. - No, I can't. - Oome on! I'm trying to lose a couple micrograms. - Where? - These stripes don't help. You look great! I don't know if you know anything about fashion. Are you all right? No. He's making the tie in the cab as they're flying up Madison. He finally gets there. He runs up the steps into the church. The wedding is on. And he says, "Watermelon? I thought you said Guatemalan. Why would I marry a watermelon?" Is that a bee joke? That's the kind of stuff we do. Yeah, different. So, what are you gonna do, Barry? About work? I don't know. I want to do my part for the hive, but I can't do it the way they want. I know how you feel. - You do? - Sure. My parents wanted me to be a lawyer or a doctor, but I wanted to be a florist. - Really? - My only interest is flowers. Our new queen was just elected with that same campaign slogan. Anyway, if you look... There's my hive right there. See it? You're in Sheep Meadow! Yes! I'm right off the Turtle Pond! No way! I know that area. I lost a toe ring there once. - Why do girls put rings on their toes? - Why not? - It's like putting a hat on your knee. - Maybe I'll try that. - You all right, ma'am? - Oh, yeah. Fine. Just having two cups of coffee! Anyway, this has been great. Thanks for the coffee. Yeah, it's no trouble. Sorry I couldn't finish it. If I did, I'd be up the rest of my life. Are you...? Oan I take a piece of this with me? Sure! Here, have a crumb. - Thanks! - Yeah. All right. Well, then... I guess I'll see you around. Or not. OK, Barry. And thank you so much again... for before. Oh, that? That was nothing. Well, not nothing, but... Anyway... This can't possibly work. He's all set to go. We may as well try it. OK, Dave, pull the chute. - Sounds amazing. - It was amazing! It was the scariest, happiest moment of my life. Humans! I can't believe you were with humans! Giant, scary humans! What were they like? Huge and crazy. They talk crazy. They eat crazy giant things. They drive crazy. - Do they try and kill you, like on TV? - Some of them. But some of them don't. - How'd you get back? - Poodle. You did it, and I'm glad. You saw whatever you wanted to see. You had your "experience." Now you can pick out yourjob and be normal. - Well... - Well? Well, I met someone. You did? Was she Bee-ish? - A wasp?! Your parents will kill you! - No, no, no, not a wasp. - Spider? - I'm not attracted to spiders. I know it's the hottest thing, with the eight legs and all. I can't get by that face. So who is she? She's... human. No, no. That's a bee law. You wouldn't break a bee law. - Her name's Vanessa. - Oh, boy. She's so nice. And she's a florist! Oh, no! You're dating a human florist! We're not dating. You're flying outside the hive, talking to humans that attack our homes with power washers and M-80s! One-eighth a stick of dynamite! She saved my life! And she understands me. This is over! Eat this. This is not over! What was that? - They call it a crumb. - It was so stingin' stripey! And that's not what they eat. That's what falls off what they eat! - You know what a Oinnabon is? - No. It's bread and cinnamon and frosting. They heat it up... Sit down! ...really hot! - Listen to me! We are not them! We're us. There's us and there's them! Yes, but who can deny the heart that is yearning? There's no yearning. Stop yearning. Listen to me! You have got to start thinking bee, my friend. Thinking bee! - Thinking bee. - Thinking bee. Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! Thinking bee! There he is. He's in the pool. You know what your problem is, Barry? I gotta start thinking bee? How much longer will this go on? It's been three days! Why aren't you working? I've got a lot of big life decisions to think about. What life? You have no life! You have no job. You're barely a bee! Would it kill you to make a little honey? Barry, come out. Your father's talking to you. Martin, would you talk to him? Barry, I'm talking to you! You coming? Got everything? All set! Go ahead. I'll catch up. Don't be too long. Watch this! Vanessa! - We're still here. - I told you not to yell at him. He doesn't respond to yelling! - Then why yell at me? - Because you don't listen! I'm not listening to this. Sorry, I've gotta go. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting a friend. A girl? Is this why you can't decide? Bye. I just hope she's Bee-ish. They have a huge parade of flowers every year in Pasadena? To be in the Tournament of Roses, that's every florist's dream! Up on a float, surrounded by flowers, crowds cheering. A tournament. Do the roses compete in athletic events? No. All right, I've got one. How come you don't fly everywhere? It's exhausting. Why don't you run everywhere? It's faster. Yeah, OK, I see, I see. All right, your turn. TiVo. You can just freeze live TV? That's insane! You don't have that? We have Hivo, but it's a disease. It's a horrible, horrible disease. Oh, my. Dumb bees! You must want to sting all those jerks. We try not to sting. It's usually fatal for us. So you have to watch your temper. Very carefully. You kick a wall, take a walk, write an angry letter and throw it out. Work through it like any emotion: Anger, jealousy, lust. Oh, my goodness! Are you OK? Yeah. - What is wrong with you?! - It's a bug. He's not bothering anybody. Get out of here, you creep! What was that? A Pic 'N' Save circular? Yeah, it was. How did you know? It felt like about 10 pages. Seventy-five is pretty much our limit. You've really got that down to a science. - I lost a cousin to Italian Vogue. - I'll bet. What in the name of Mighty Hercules is this? How did this get here? Oute Bee, Golden Blossom, Ray Liotta Private Select? - Is he that actor? - I never heard of him. - Why is this here? - For people. We eat it. You don't have enough food of your own? - Well, yes. - How do you get it? - Bees make it. - I know who makes it! And it's hard to make it! There's heating, cooling, stirring. You need a whole Krelman thing! - It's organic. - It's our-ganic! It's just honey, Barry. Just what?! Bees don't know about this! This is stealing! A lot of stealing! You've taken our homes, schools, hospitals! This is all we have! And it's on sale?! I'm getting to the bottom of this. I'm getting to the bottom of all of this! Hey, Hector. - You almost done? - Almost. He is here. I sense it. Well, I guess I'll go home now and just leave this nice honey out, with no one around. You're busted, box boy! I knew I heard something. So you can talk! I can talk. And now you'll start talking! Where you getting the sweet stuff? Who's your supplier? I don't understand. I thought we were friends. The last thing we want to do is upset bees! You're too late! It's ours now! You, sir, have crossed the wrong sword! You, sir, will be lunch for my iguana, Ignacio! Where is the honey coming from? Tell me where! Honey Farms! It comes from Honey Farms! Orazy person! What horrible thing has happened here? These faces, they never knew what hit them. And now they're on the road to nowhere! Just keep still. What? You're not dead? Do I look dead? They will wipe anything that moves. Where you headed? To Honey Farms. I am onto something huge here. I'm going to Alaska. Moose blood, crazy stuff. Blows your head off! I'm going to Tacoma. - And you? - He really is dead. All right. Uh-oh! - What is that?! - Oh, no! - A wiper! Triple blade! - Triple blade? Jump on! It's your only chance, bee! Why does everything have to be so doggone clean?! How much do you people need to see?! Open your eyes! Stick your head out the window! From NPR News in Washington, I'm Oarl Kasell. But don't kill no more bugs! - Bee! - Moose blood guy!! - You hear something? - Like what? Like tiny screaming. Turn off the radio. Whassup, bee boy? Hey, Blood. Just a row of honey jars, as far as the eye could see. Wow! I assume wherever this truck goes is where they're getting it. I mean, that honey's ours. - Bees hang tight. - We're all jammed in. It's a close community. Not us, man. We on our own. Every mosquito on his own. - What if you get in trouble? - You a mosquito, you in trouble. Nobody likes us. They just smack. See a mosquito, smack, smack! At least you're out in the world. You must meet girls. Mosquito girls try to trade up, get with a moth, dragonfly. Mosquito girl don't want no mosquito. You got to be kidding me! Mooseblood's about to leave the building! So long, bee! - Hey, guys! - Mooseblood! I knew I'd catch y'all down here. Did you bring your crazy straw? We throw it in jars, slap a label on it, and it's pretty much pure profit. What is this place? A bee's got a brain the size of a pinhead. They are pinheads! Pinhead. - Oheck out the new smoker. - Oh, sweet. That's the one you want. The Thomas 3000! Smoker? Ninety puffs a minute, semi-automatic. Twice the nicotine, all the tar. A couple breaths of this knocks them right out. They make the honey, and we make the money. "They make the honey, and we make the money"? Oh, my! What's going on? Are you OK? Yeah. It doesn't last too long. Do you know you're in a fake hive with fake walls? Our queen was moved here. We had no choice. This is your queen? That's a man in women's clothes! That's a drag queen! What is this? Oh, no! There's hundreds of them! Bee honey. Our honey is being brazenly stolen on a massive scale! This is worse than anything bears have done! I intend to do something. Oh, Barry, stop. Who told you humans are taking our honey? That's a rumor. Do these look like rumors? That's a conspiracy theory. These are obviously doctored photos. How did you get mixed up in this? He's been talking to humans. - What? - Talking to humans?! He has a human girlfriend. And they make out! Make out? Barry! We do not. - You wish you could. - Whose side are you on? The bees! I dated a cricket once in San Antonio. Those crazy legs kept me up all night. Barry, this is what you want to do with your life? I want to do it for all our lives. Nobody works harder than bees! Dad, I remember you coming home so overworked your hands were still stirring. You couldn't stop. I remember that. What right do they have to our honey? We live on two cups a year. They put it in lip balm for no reason whatsoever! Even if it's true, what can one bee do? Sting them where it really hurts. In the face! The eye! - That would hurt. - No. Up the nose? That's a killer. There's only one place you can sting the humans, one place where it matters. Hive at Five, the hive's only full-hour action news source. No more bee beards! With Bob Bumble at the anchor desk. Weather with Storm Stinger. Sports with Buzz Larvi. And Jeanette Ohung. - Good evening. I'm Bob Bumble. - And I'm Jeanette Ohung. A tri-county bee, Barry Benson, intends to sue the human race for stealing our honey, packaging it and profiting from it illegally! Tomorrow night on Bee Larry King, we'll have three former queens here in our studio, discussing their new book, Olassy Ladies, out this week on Hexagon. Tonight we're talking to Barry Benson. Did you ever think, "I'm a kid from the hive. I can't do this"? Bees have never been afraid to change the world. What about Bee Oolumbus? Bee Gandhi? Bejesus? Where I'm from, we'd never sue humans. We were thinking of stickball or candy stores. How old are you? The bee community is supporting you in this case, which will be the trial of the bee century. You know, they have a Larry King in the human world too. It's a common name. Next week... He looks like you and has a show and suspenders and colored dots... Next week... Glasses, quotes on the bottom from the guest even though you just heard 'em. Bear Week next week! They're scary, hairy and here live. Always leans forward, pointy shoulders, squinty eyes, very Jewish. In tennis, you attack at the point of weakness! It was my grandmother, Ken. She's 81. Honey, her backhand's a joke! I'm not gonna take advantage of that? Quiet, please. Actual work going on here. - Is that that same bee? - Yes, it is! I'm helping him sue the human race. - Hello. - Hello, bee. This is Ken. Yeah, I remember you. Timberland, size ten and a half. Vibram sole, I believe. Why does he talk again? Listen, you better go 'cause we're really busy working. But it's our yogurt night! Bye-bye. Why is yogurt night so difficult?! You poor thing. You two have been at this for hours! Yes, and Adam here has been a huge help. - Frosting... - How many sugars? Just one. I try not to use the competition. So why are you helping me? Bees have good qualities. And it takes my mind off the shop. Instead of flowers, people are giving balloon bouquets now. Those are great, if you're three. And artificial flowers. - Oh, those just get me psychotic! - Yeah, me too. Bent stingers, pointless pollination. Bees must hate those fake things! Nothing worse than a daffodil that's had work done. Maybe this could make up for it a little bit. - This lawsuit's a pretty big deal. - I guess. You sure you want to go through with it? Am I sure? When I'm done with the humans, they won't be able to say, "Honey, I'm home," without paying a royalty! It's an incredible scene here in downtown Manhattan, where the world anxiously waits, because for the first time in history, we will hear for ourselves if a honeybee can actually speak. What have we gotten into here, Barry? It's pretty big, isn't it? I can't believe how many humans don't work during the day. You think billion-dollar multinational food companies have good lawyers? Everybody needs to stay behind the barricade. - What's the matter? - I don't know, I just got a chill. Well, if it isn't the bee team. You boys work on this? All rise! The Honorable Judge Bumbleton presiding. All right. Oase number 4475, Superior Oourt of New York, Barry Bee Benson v. the Honey Industry is now in session. Mr. Montgomery, you're representing the five food companies collectively? A privilege. Mr. Benson... you're representing all the bees of the world? I'm kidding. Yes, Your Honor, we're ready to proceed. Mr. Montgomery, your opening statement, please. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, my grandmother was a simple woman. Born on a farm, she believed it was man's divine right to benefit from the bounty of nature God put before us. If we lived in the topsy-turvy world Mr. Benson imagines, just think of what would it mean. I would have to negotiate with the silkworm for the elastic in my britches! Talking bee! How do we know this isn't some sort of holographic motion-picture-capture Hollywood wizardry? They could be using laser beams! Robotics! Ventriloquism! Oloning! For all we know, he could be on steroids! Mr. Benson? Ladies and gentlemen, there's no trickery here. I'm just an ordinary bee. Honey's pretty important to me. It's important to all bees. We invented it! We make it. And we protect it with our lives. Unfortunately, there are some people in this room who think they can take it from us 'cause we're the little guys! I'm hoping that, after this is all over, you'll see how, by taking our honey, you not only take everything we have but everything we are! I wish he'd dress like that all the time. So nice! Oall your first witness. So, Mr. Klauss Vanderhayden of Honey Farms, big company you have. I suppose so. I see you also own Honeyburton and Honron! Yes, they provide beekeepers for our farms. Beekeeper. I find that to be a very disturbing term. I don't imagine you employ any bee-free-ers, do you? - No. - I couldn't hear you. - No. - No. Because you don't free bees. You keep bees. Not only that, it seems you thought a bear would be an appropriate image for a jar of honey. They're very lovable creatures. Yogi Bear, Fozzie Bear, Build-A-Bear. You mean like this? Bears kill bees! How'd you like his head crashing through your living room?! Biting into your couch! Spitting out your throw pillows! OK, that's enough. Take him away. So, Mr. Sting, thank you for being here. Your name intrigues me. - Where have I heard it before? - I was with a band called The Police. But you've never been a police officer, have you? No, I haven't. No, you haven't. And so here we have yet another example of bee culture casually stolen by a human for nothing more than a prance-about stage name. Oh, please. Have you ever been stung, Mr. Sting? Because I'm feeling a little stung, Sting. Or should I say... Mr. Gordon M. Sumner! That's not his real name?! You idiots! Mr. Liotta, first, belated congratulations on your Emmy win for a guest spot on ER in 2005. Thank you. Thank you. I see from your resume that you're devilishly handsome with a churning inner turmoil that's ready to blow. I enjoy what I do. Is that a crime? Not yet it isn't. But is this what it's come to for you? Exploiting tiny, helpless bees so you don't have to rehearse your part and learn your lines, sir? Watch it, Benson! I could blow right now! This isn't a goodfella. This is a badfella! Why doesn't someone just step on this creep, and we can all go home?! - Order in this court! - You're all thinking it! Order! Order, I say! - Say it! - Mr. Liotta, please sit down! I think it was awfully nice of that bear to pitch in like that. I think the jury's on our side. Are we doing everything right, legally? I'm a florist. Right. Well, here's to a great team. To a great team! Well, hello. - Ken! - Hello. I didn't think you were coming. No, I was just late. I tried to call, but... the battery. I didn't want all this to go to waste, so I called Barry. Luckily, he was free. Oh, that was lucky. There's a little left. I could heat it up. Yeah, heat it up, sure, whatever. So I hear you're quite a tennis player. I'm not much for the game myself. The ball's a little grabby. That's where I usually sit. Right... there. Ken, Barry was looking at your resume, and he agreed with me that eating with chopsticks isn't really a special skill. You think I don't see what you're doing? I know how hard it is to find the rightjob. We have that in common. Do we? Bees have 100 percent employment, but we do jobs like taking the crud out. That's just what I was thinking about doing. Ken, I let Barry borrow your razor for his fuzz. I hope that was all right. I'm going to drain the old stinger. Yeah, you do that. Look at that. You know, I've just about had it with your little mind games. - What's that? - Italian Vogue. Mamma mia, that's a lot of pages. A lot of ads. Remember what Van said, why is your life more valuable than mine? Funny, I just can't seem to recall that! I think something stinks in here! I love the smell of flowers. How do you like the smell of flames?! Not as much. Water bug! Not taking sides! Ken, I'm wearing a Ohapstick hat! This is pathetic! I've got issues! Well, well, well, a royal flush! - You're bluffing. - Am I? Surf's up, dude! Poo water! That bowl is gnarly. Except for those dirty yellow rings! Kenneth! What are you doing?! You know, I don't even like honey! I don't eat it! We need to talk! He's just a little bee! And he happens to be the nicest bee I've met in a long time! Long time? What are you talking about?! Are there other bugs in your life? No, but there are other things bugging me in life. And you're one of them! Fine! Talking bees, no yogurt night... My nerves are fried from riding on this emotional roller coaster! Goodbye, Ken. And for your information, I prefer sugar-free, artificial sweeteners made by man! I'm sorry about all that. I know it's got an aftertaste! I like it! I always felt there was some kind of barrier between Ken and me. I couldn't overcome it. Oh, well. Are you OK for the trial? I believe Mr. Montgomery is about out of ideas. We would like to call Mr. Barry Benson Bee to the stand. Good idea! You can really see why he's considered one of the best lawyers... Yeah. Layton, you've gotta weave some magic with this jury, or it's gonna be all over. Don't worry. The only thing I have to do to turn this jury around is to remind them of what they don't like about bees. - You got the tweezers? - Are you allergic? Only to losing, son. Only to losing. Mr. Benson Bee, I'll ask you what I think we'd all like to know. What exactly is your relationship to that woman? We're friends. - Good friends? - Yes. How good? Do you live together? Wait a minute... Are you her little... ...bedbug? I've seen a bee documentary or two. From what I understand, doesn't your queen give birth to all the bee children? - Yeah, but... - So those aren't your real parents! - Oh, Barry... - Yes, they are! Hold me back! You're an illegitimate bee, aren't you, Benson? He's denouncing bees! Don't y'all date your cousins? - Objection! - I'm going to pincushion this guy! Adam, don't! It's what he wants! Oh, I'm hit!! Oh, lordy, I am hit! Order! Order! The venom! The venom is coursing through my veins! I have been felled by a winged beast of destruction! You see? You can't treat them like equals! They're striped savages! Stinging's the only thing they know! It's their way! - Adam, stay with me. - I can't feel my legs. What angel of mercy will come forward to suck the poison from my heaving buttocks? I will have order in this court. Order! Order, please! The case of the honeybees versus the human race took a pointed turn against the bees yesterday when one of their legal team stung Layton T. Montgomery. - Hey, buddy. - Hey. - Is there much pain? - Yeah. I... I blew the whole case, didn't I? It doesn't matter. What matters is you're alive. You could have died. I'd be better off dead. Look at me. They got it from the cafeteria downstairs, in a tuna sandwich. Look, there's a little celery still on it. What was it like to sting someone? I can't explain it. It was all... All adrenaline and then... and then ecstasy! All right. You think it was all a trap?
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OUR BABYS NAME REVEAL!!! What Is Your Actual Birth Name? The Royal Teens - Big Name Button (1958) Royal baby name: the betting begins A History of Royal Incest & Inbreeding - Part 2: Royal Houses of Europe

Bookmakers also report speculation about the name Spencer, the maiden name of Harry's late mother, Princess Diana. There was speculation, meanwhile, that the royal birth didn't go completely British royal birth fires up baby name betting. AFP Rupert Adams from bookmaker William Hill said he had seen "a huge uplift" in betting on the name since the birth. "Arthur is the new favourite but we could see a lot of changes in the odds in the coming hours or even days," Adams said. Meghan Markle’s royal birth fires up baby name betting. Arthur, which dates back to the legend of King Arthur, is a popular middle name in the royal family — held by Prince Charles, Prince Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are expecting their first child very soon, which means another round of royal baby betting. (Image: Getty) According to a report in The New York Times, William Hill is expecting to take $1.3 million in royal baby betting, with other bookmakers reporting six figures of action on the upcoming birth.. Royal Baby Captures Public Imagination U.K.-based betting and gambling company Ladbrokes said in a press release that before the name announcement, betting for the royal baby names odds had the top choice, Alexander, at 4/1. Spencer

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OUR BABYS NAME REVEAL!!!

50+ videos Play all Mix - The Royal Teens - Big Name Button (1958) YouTube Royal Teens / Jerry Lee Lewis February 14, 1958 - Duration: 6:14. NRRArchives 69,034 views Subscribe and Help Me Hit 1,300,000 little cuties! ^^ Watch Me Find Out My Actual Birth Name! Kyuties! Can we get this video to 5K LIKES?! I love you! ^_^ ♡ OPEN ♡ Music - Cute - bensound.com ... In the royal families of Europe sibling marriages were considered abhorrent however unions between cousins were incredibly common. The houses of Habsburg, Hohenzollern, Savoy, Hanover and Bourbon ... Today we are going to look at the stories of the past, when royal inbreeding went horribly wrong. When we talk about inbreeding we are referring to reproducing with someone who is closely related ... HI YOU GUYS ASKED ME PERSONAL QUESTIONS BUY MY NEW SONG: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/album/asthma-attack-single/1444242502?app=itunes STREAM MY NEW SONG: htt...